7 Bits of Coronavirus Kit That Absolutely No One Needs

From Louis Vuitton’s $1317 face shield to mask chains and "survivor" merch.

Coronavirus merchandise is here – but we’re unsure who on earth is buying it.

Designers are upping the ante with extortionate face shields and masks, while online retailers are busy making questionable slogan tees and jumpers. If you’ve got cash to spend, there’s no shortage of people willing to take it.

Here are seven items you’re better off leaving on the (digital) shelf:

Louis Vuitton’s Pricey PPE

Louis Vuitton is set to launch a designer face shield, with a price tag of $1317(AUD), according to Vanity Fair. The shield is described as “an eye-catching headpiece, both stylish and protective”. It can also be flipped upwards and worn as a peaked hat, for people who aren’t satisfied with only looking slightly ridiculous. The pricey PPE will be in stores worldwide from October 30.

Virus cufflinks

Who wants to be reminded of a deadly virus every time they look at their hands? These cufflinks are just bizarre, but the novelty site CafePress is also selling some with the slogan “wear a damn mask”, which we can (just about) get on board with.

Anything with ‘survivor’ on

There are way too many “Covid-19 Survivor” items on sale, like this hoodie currently available on Amazon. Firstly, insensitive much? Secondly, we’re still in the midst of a pandemic, don’t count your chickens...

Mask chains

A number of retailers are selling “mask chains” – essentially glasses cords, repurposed for the pandemic so you don’t forget your face mask. The product above is by the jewellery designer Billie Simone and retails for a whopping $312 (£177). That’s a lot to pay to have your mask flapping around – and it’s definitely not the correct way to store it.

Leather face masks

Designer Candice Cuoco has a collection of leather face masks on sale at Selfridges. The one above is priced at $132. One word: sweaty.

Corona birthday mug

Remember when we all thought everything would be okay if we just kept singing ‘Happy Birthday’ while washing our hands? Please, do not buy anyone this depressing reminder.

The worst Christmas jumper. Ever

Corona Christmas is coming to town – and we don’t need a reminder with this premature jumper, thank you very much. It’s being sold on NotOnTheHighStreet for $58 and we fear it’s the first of many.