And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humour in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in 280 characters or fewer.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Wife: What are you doing?— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 7, 2020
Me: Sitting in on another useless, stupid Zoom call.
Boss: Can you mute yourself, please.
My phone: 58%.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) September 29, 2020
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Me: I know something we can do tonight ;)— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) October 4, 2020
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
How is it going with both me and my husband working from home? He loudly chewed a granola bar next to me while I was trying to concentrate and I almost filed for divorce.— SpacedMom (@copymama) September 29, 2020
I think it's pretty cute that my wife thinks I will stick to her shopping list at the store.— Forward March (@RunOldMan) October 6, 2020
Me: I’m taking the day off work— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) October 1, 2020
Wife: Great, you can do some of these projects around the house
Me: On second thought
Whenever we do watch a movie, I open IMDB, because my wife is gonna have a lot of questions.— Dad Bits (@DadBits) October 4, 2020
Good morning to everyone except my husband who was using my vibrator to massage his feet.— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) October 8, 2020
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we're handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 8, 2020
Rubbing IcyHot on your wife's back is considered foreplay in your forties.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) October 7, 2020
True love is sending your spouse memes to look at while they’re pooping.— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 11, 2020
Husband: You haven't cleaned the house since July.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) October 3, 2020
Me: I'm prepping for Halloween.
My husband pissed me off. I hope he enjoys looking for the remote that's hidden in my purse.— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) October 10, 2020
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 4, 2020
Waitress: Do you want caramel on your rim?
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
Wife: What took you so long to get one item at Walmart?— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) October 8, 2020
Me: Ohh there weren’t many lanes open and it was awful.*
*I fell asleep for 10 minutes in the parking lot.
80% of marriage is waiting for your spouse to be the one to get up.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 7, 2020
Wife: why don't you jump in the shower?— The Dad (@thedad) September 30, 2020
Me: I'm not gonna exercise in a slippy cubicle
My husband went and sat on a rocking chair on our front porch to watch a big tree being taken down by a crane in our neighbor’s yard, and a “World’s Best Grandpa” mug immediately materialized in his hand.— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 8, 2020
“i’m not allowed to order pizza if my wife is not with me to help eat it” is not a rule i foresaw adhering to when i got married but here we are— ᴊᴏsʜ ᴛʜᴇ ᴀʟᴡʀɪɢʜᴛʏ (@Tryptofantastic) October 7, 2020
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.— Felicia (@LostFelicia) October 10, 2020
I'm so married, even Alexa refuses to listen to my commands.— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) October 9, 2020
I bought a dozen donuts and my wife had the audacity to ask me for one like I had gotten a baker's dozen.— Forward March (@RunOldMan) October 5, 2020
My wife (sounding annoyed): Why is there cereal dropped in the shower?— lucy hex-ley ✨💀🕸🌈 (@bexley_lucy) October 7, 2020
Me: ...I’m allergic to the cereal
My wife: Oh wait, I forgot I was eating cereal in there. Must have been me!
[Computer Shopping]— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) October 10, 2020
My Husband: Hmm, this one has an intel core i7-10210U quad-core processor, 32gb memory and a 256gb solid state drive.
Me: Ooo, let's buy this red one. It's shiny!
I like being married because I can say things like “jeez I am so damn gassy today” and still end up getting laid later.— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 5, 2020
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