Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Second week of school and the kids already missed the bus b/c I over slept. Gotta keep expectations low.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) September 14, 2015
School mornings are a series of one word statements on a loop. Eat. Now!Clothes. Now! Shoes. Now! Hurry. Now! Go. Now! Now!! Now!!!
— The Dose of Reality (@TheDoseTweets) September 16, 2015
If you like being late all the time due to arguments regarding brushing teeth, then kids are totally for you.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 16, 2015
Found out this morning that Carter has "retired" from Pokemon. That was a good use of money.
— John Willey (@DaddysinCharge) September 17, 2015
Richest people according to my 5-year-old: 3) old lady who gives out pennies 2) Monopoly guy 1) McDonald's cashier who takes in the money
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 15, 2015
Give a kid a fish & you feed him for a day. Give a kid some goldfish in the car & you'll be finding them in the backseat for a lifetime.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) September 14, 2015
"I have two 5 year olds" - my answer when anyone asks me "how did you get that bruise?"
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) September 14, 2015
Toddler asks to sit on potty. Sits on potty at least 15 times; nothing. Stands up and pees on rug. Dammit.
— Sara (@smilely_gal) September 14, 2015
After having children everything you touch turns to yogurt.
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) September 17, 2015
According to my kid, using the oven is the "old fashion way to cook."
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) September 15, 2015
Hey dads, don't forget to joke about corn mazes being maize mazes this fall. Our families love that one.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 15, 2015
Me: omg all of my kids are napping Door to door salesman: that's my cue
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 16, 2015
"Get used to it, you always have to brush your teeth!" 5yo: "No, when I'm older, I'm having false teeth so I can put them in the dishwasher"
— Mark, Sonny, & Luca (@sonnyandluca) September 16, 2015
I wasn't the last parent in the preschool pick-up line today. Award please.
— CrazyExhaustion (@CrazyExhaustion) September 14, 2015
13 yo is writing an apology to his teacher. He just asked how to spell "unprofessional." I better check that letter before he sends it.
— Gina Valley (@GinaValley) September 16, 2015
The morning after sleeping next to a squirmy 6yo feels like the day after a bar fight.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) September 17, 2015
Being a parent is the best and then it's the worst and then it's the best and then it's the worst and then it's the best and then it's the w
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) September 17, 2015
I reached Parent Level: Expert today when I spent 10 straight hours at Disneyland with my three kids and didn't lose it once.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) September 16, 2015
Last night: 10: What are you doing mom? Me: Watching Housewives. You? 10: Teaching myself to code a video game. Me: It's not a competition.
— StefanieWilderTaylor (@SWilderTaylor) September 17, 2015
Take me down to Meltdown City Where the kid is 3 And the mood is sh*tty Oh, won't you please take me home? Just for a little while. Please?
— Sarah Kelber (@sarahkelber) September 16, 2015
Also on HuffPost: