And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in 280 characters or fewer.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
I’ve started announcing to my husband every time I do the dishes— JPo (@Peauxtassium) August 8, 2020
Marriage is just screaming louder than your spouse to tell them to stop yelling— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) August 8, 2020
My wife can Google anything in .3 seconds if it will prove that I am wrong.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 10, 2020
Every Sunday my husband glares at me because I don’t change out of pjs but at the end of the week I have less laundry so I win— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) August 9, 2020
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) August 9, 2020
Wife - I live with a drama queen.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) August 15, 2020
(I look at our dog, he looks at me)
Wife - I'm talking to both of you.
Wife: Bend over.— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) August 11, 2020
Me: Yes ma’am.
Wife: I gotta pop that zit in the small of your back.
The nice thing about being married is you can always blame someone for not reminding you about that thing you forgot.— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) August 8, 2020
Me *calling wife* should I get one or two hotdogs— Jon (@ArfMeasures) August 7, 2020
Me *to tattoo artist* yeah one on each arm
Friend: How many times does your alarm clock go off in the morning?— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 4, 2020
Me: Oh, I don’t know.
Husband: *shouting from other room* THIRTEEN, DIANE. THIRTEEN.
Being the first to fall asleep at night is such a marriage flex.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 12, 2020
My husband just said that “we” are going to start eating healthier.— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) August 12, 2020
Still haven’t found who tf he’s talking to.
The secret to a successful marriage is to call your wife seven times a day, to help her find her phone— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 13, 2020
My wife just lured me to the water with the promise of seeing a turtle and then threw me into the ocean. Very unfair of her to trick me into enjoying this day.— lucy bexley 🪁🌈 (@bexley_lucy) August 13, 2020
I told my wife that when she puts me down as an emergency contact to always add a note that says leave a message.— Forward March (@RunOldMan) August 9, 2020
My husband and I accidentally brushed hands while unloading the dishwasher so I guess you could say yes, we are very sexually active.— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) August 11, 2020
My husband: I’m a grown man. Please stop treating me like a child.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 14, 2020
Also my husband: Can you find my jacket? I’m hungry. I need a nap.
You can't have a successful marriage without trust in your spouse to accurately recap what just happened on TV because you were busy looking at your phone.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 11, 2020
For my wife’s birthday I gave her orgasms.— dADDisms (@Beagz) August 8, 2020
Ugg, auto correct. I meant origami.
Our dinner conversation includes me asking my wife what we're going to have for dinner tomorrow night.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) August 10, 2020
[text]— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) August 15, 2020
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i'll open wine
Me: Say those words I love to hear.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 11, 2020
Husband: Ugh. Do I have to?
Me: Do it, baby.
Husband: Your package is out for delivery.
the strength of a marriage is based upon honesty, communication, and not knowing each other’s screen time reports— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) August 5, 2020
My wife put our peanut butter in the fridge so I’m meeting with a divorce lawyer tomorrow.— Boots Boy (@dadopotamus) August 10, 2020
Welcome to marriage. There are millions of legitimate things to argue about, but let's sprinkle in a few hypotheticals just for fun.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 9, 2020