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What am I binge watching? A fucking toddler. You?— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) April 26, 2020
Nobody has a better bedside manner than a kid who’s trying to get their sibling they just punched to stop crying before their parents hear.— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) April 25, 2020
Just walked in on my boyfriend singing a lullaby to our daughter while putting her to sleep....the lullaby was Buy you a drank by T-Pain— MacKenzieSharpe (@cKenzieMae) April 28, 2020
The most exciting thing about having kids is never knowing when they will decide to leap onto your body unexpectedly and injure you.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) April 25, 2020
My 4yo just looked up from her breakfast and said “uh daddy, I ordered fruit, too” so there’s at least one dine-in restaurant still in operation during the lockout.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 26, 2020
Accidently wrote “henceforth” in an answer on my third grader’s social study quiz and the teacher is suspicious.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 29, 2020
Had a big argument with our 6 year old:— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) May 1, 2020
6: I’M NEVER SPEAKING TO YOU AGAIN!
Me: What did you say?
6: I SAID I’M NEVER SPEAKING TO YOU AGAIN!
Me: Ha you just did! Haha!
My daughter had a Zoom class yesterday. The teacher's internet went out, so one of the kids was made the default host. He muted everyone, pretended to teach the class, and then just said "fart" over and over until the teacher was able to join back. It was amazing.— Todd Coleman (@todd_coleman) April 29, 2020
Me, before kids: It might be cool to be famous.— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) April 28, 2020
Me, after kids: It might be cool to be one of those Dateline dads who fakes his own death.
Homeschooling is tough. For example, today I had to tell my son he didn’t make our baseball team.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 29, 2020
I was telling my kids about the time in 1996, after just moving to Atlanta, I got lost and it took me 5 hours to get home because I didn’t have a map.— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) April 30, 2020
My son said, “What do you mean map? Like a National Treasure map?”
Kids book: I got dressed today all by myself did you?— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) April 30, 2020
4: No we don’t get dressed anymore
If you have three kids that’s four people you have to keep hydrated that’s crazy— Bunmi Laditan (@HonestToddler) April 30, 2020
9-year-old: Can we watch all the Marvel movies?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 26, 2020
Me, pre-quarantine: We don't have time.
Me, now: Okay, but only five per day.
My son drew abs on his stomach with a sharpie and then fell asleep holding a bag of Doritos and I think we finally have the hero we all deserve.— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) April 28, 2020
It’s honestly astounding how many times my kid can say “Mom” “Mommy” “ Mama” in a row. 😳🤯😱— Reese Witherspoon (@ReeseW) April 30, 2020
Making a fort with your kids is 97.7% adjusting, readjusting, and rage readjusting pillows and blankets and 2.3% bliss for the 30 seconds that they actually stay in there.— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) May 1, 2020
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.— Marriage And Martinis (@MarriageMartini) April 23, 2020
In today’s episode of my preschool plays “mommy,” she gave her “baby” a bath.— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) April 29, 2020
I about died when I heard her start yelling, “HOLD YOUR HEAD BACK AND THE SOAP WONT GET INTO YOUR EYES!!”
Child: Mom I need to bring two dozen cookies to school today.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 30, 2020
Wife: Um. You homeschool now.
Me [whispering into child's ear]: tell her that the teacher said if you don't bring them you'll fail
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) April 25, 2020
10: You’ve been swearing a lot more during quarantine.— The Alex Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) April 26, 2020
Me: Actually it’s the same amount as always. You’re just around me more.