Scroll down to read the latest batch...
One of the kids woke me up to ask if I was still sleeping, if any of you were thinking of having children.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 25, 2020
You know you’ve gone full dad when you realize you are explaining how water towers work to an entire car full of kids who don’t care.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 24, 2020
Last night my son asked if I'd ever heard of a pillow fight. I said I had not, so he explained the premise & asked if I would play. I awkwardly held a pillow as he gave me pointers through a smile that lit up the room. My first swing took him off his feet. He never saw it coming.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 23, 2020
Flex on your toddler by saying they are three years old instead of three and a half.— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) June 25, 2020
My 4-year-old asked my 2-year-old if it was time to fight.— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) June 25, 2020
2 checked the calendar and said, "No, not yet."
Well, at least they are organized.
Husband: what do you all want to be when you grow up?— MumInBits (@MumInBits) June 25, 2020
8: a scientist!
3 (girl): a ballerina!
3 (boy): bubble wrap!
My husband just told me he wants a divorce.— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) June 24, 2020
Actually his exact words were “I think it would be cool for the whole family to live in an RV and travel the country for a year,” but tomato, to-mah-to
I remember watching Sex and the City in my early 20s and believing that being an adult was a lot of drinking red wine and cooking really amazing veal when it’s really just screaming obscenities at my children while burning the dino nuggets— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) June 24, 2020
If at first you don’t succeed, pin all your hopes on the second kid.— John Lyon (@JohnLyonTweets) June 24, 2020
5: why is it called apple-cado anyway— hashtagtacos 🌮 (@VicVijayakumar) June 24, 2020
me: no reason
Kids: *playing video games*— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) June 24, 2020
Me: That’s enough video games, kids
Kids: *start watching videos about video games*
Me: That’s much better
being a parent is the greatest thing in the world unless you are a parent in a disney movie— The Dad (@thedad) June 25, 2020
Me: Life is a paradox buried inside of an onion. You have to cry a bit to dig into it's meaning, and sometimes all you end up with is tears and confusion. You know?— Kwame Mbalia (@KSekouM) June 24, 2020
Baby: *spits up*
Me: Same, buddy. Same.
Having kids is a great idea if you’ve ever looked at your markers and thought “if only they were a bit drier...”— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) June 25, 2020
My 8yo is suddenly, inexplicably obsessed with Garfield and I cannot stop laughing. I asked him what he liked about it and, like I was a total idiot, he said "It's a cat...who talks...and he goes on amazing adventures with a dog."— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) June 24, 2020
Oh you love your dad? Name 3 of his favorite lawn mower height settings.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 21, 2020
A fun summer drinking game is taking shots every time your child says “I’m bored.” I’m kidding. You’d be dead by noon.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 25, 2020
I feel bad for the kids whose parents give them normal nicknames. My kids - guacamole, cheese and coffee know I truly love them.— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) June 23, 2020
My kid just called the statue of liberty the statue of puberty, and this is the content I signed up for when becoming a parent.— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) June 20, 2020
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so...nah, she’s good.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) June 24, 2020
Raising a baby isn't like raising a dog. It's like being a dog. You're always sniffing butts.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) June 24, 2020
Parenting is just a cycle of cleaning up one room while your kids wreck another.— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) June 18, 2020