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Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 6, 2020
I asked my son to turn down his music and he 'okayed boomer' me so now we're turning off the wi-fi for a bit— Low Ki 🌺 (@Alohababe2011) August 4, 2020
People who say “enjoy every moment” have never sat next to my kids eating chips.— luke i am your mother (@MommaUnfiltered) August 4, 2020
Me: I've been so patient and I haven't yelled at the kids once today— Christina Crawford (@mommy_dopest) August 4, 2020
Husband: The kids have been at your mom's house all day
My kids counted one less snail in their fish tank so now they’re crying, pointing at me because I’ve told them I tried a snail once at a fancy restaurant on vacation, some 20 years back.— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) August 1, 2020
if you can spend most of the day turning off lights and closing cabinet doors that you have just turned off and closed then motherhood might be for you— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) August 3, 2020
My four year old loves eating sugar. I don't mean candy or sweets--I just walked in the kitchen and found him wrist-deep in the sugar jar, his face and shirt dusted white, like some Nickelodeon version of Tony Montana getting high on his own supply.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 6, 2020
Take your kid swimming so they can LOUDLY exclaim that they just peed in the water.— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) August 6, 2020
Baby proofing is great because your kids solve it in 6 months but it stays on your cabinets, drawers, and outlets for another 10 irritating years.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) August 4, 2020
[any time my family enters the room when I’m working]— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 6, 2020
- are you on a call?
- is it a video call?
- are you on mute?
- is it the kind where you have to pay attention?
- are you even awake?
Friend: My kids have been going to bed so late this summer!— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 2, 2020
Me: Ugh, mine too. How late do yours go to bed?
Friend: Well last night it was like 9—
Me: *hysterical laughter*
5: Mommy, why do girls wear bras?— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) August 3, 2020
Me: To support their boobies.
5: No, they’re trapping their boobies. They’re booby traps. *cracks herself up*
I’m raising a comedian.
Also, she’s not wrong.
There are times when I kiss and hug my son because I love him, and there are times I do it so 70 years from now he doesn't run for the presidency out of vainglorious spite and then kill 150,000 people because taking advice emasculates him.— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) August 3, 2020
The only thing keeping me from becoming a crafty Instagram momfluencer? Severe lower back pain and laziness— amil (@amil) August 6, 2020
9- Mom, the tooth fairy never gave me money or took my tooth last night!— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) August 2, 2020
Me- *digs in bottom of purse*
Me- *Hands over $3.28*
9- Really mom?
Me- She said she was busy last night
9- You literally just handed me change
Me- She said she’s broke too
TIP: Never tell a child you will make cookies with them if you don't want to answer "WHEN ARE WE MAKING COOKIES" every minute for next 3 days— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 4, 2020
Wait, we are supposed to be monitoring our kids’ screen time?— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 2, 2020
Kid: What happens when we die?— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 1, 2020
Me: Let’s talk about something a little more lighthearted.
Kid: Why does your butt jiggle when you walk?
Me: So when a person dies...
Me: As your teacher, I request that you stay at least 3 feet away from me at all times.— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) August 7, 2020
My toddler: *sneezes directly into my eyeballs*
8-year-old: Why does Mom call it soda and you call it pop?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 3, 2020
Me: We're from two different places.
8: Where are you from?
Me: A place where we know what things are called.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) August 1, 2020
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
My 10 year old has reached this cute stage where nobody knows any facts until he tells you them and anything you thought you did know is obviously wrong— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) August 6, 2020
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) August 4, 2020