My gyno told me that in her 20 yrs of practice, I have the strongest pelvic floor she’s ever seen so if you feel a shift in energy when I enter the room it’s cos this is the level of confidence I’m walking with now.— Camilla Blackett (@camillard) June 16, 2020
If you're wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) June 18, 2020
NO your email did NOT find me well, it found me ravaged with STRESS AND THE EFFECTS OF TIME— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) June 15, 2020
i have also thought i was poisoned at shake shack only to remember i am, in fact, lactose intolerant— ziwe (@ziwe) June 16, 2020
Marriage during a pandemic is just taking turns muting and yelling "I'M ON A ZOOM" throughout a day.— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) June 16, 2020
I will “no worries if not!” people into the fcking ground— 𝕤𝕦𝕟𝕗𝕝𝕠𝕨𝕖𝕣 (@spinubzilla) June 16, 2020
This lady and her 15 friends tested positive for COVID after a girls' night out.— Morgan Jerkins (@MorganJerkins) June 17, 2020
This is terrible of course.
But the bigger question is who the hell has 15 friends?
honestly worst purchase of 2020 was a 2020 planner— dumpster baby (@laurenrosaaa) June 15, 2020
I will either respond to your email immediately or three years from now— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) June 16, 2020
black women: we are sad, frustrated, hurt, exhausted—— Ayo Edebiri (@ayoedebiri) June 13, 2020
white women: okay so what I’m hearing is you’re mad at me 🥺😔
thinking abt the very large bottle of fireball whisky in the bottom drawer of my desk at work, wondering if it misses me too— Karen Chee (@karencheee) June 15, 2020
being attracted to men is so embarrassing but someone’s gotta do it— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) June 17, 2020
technically a pool noodle is a bucatini— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) June 15, 2020
i don’t have any hobbies but i do like reading customer reviews of indian cookbooks where white people complain about the dishes being too spicy— Scaachi (@Scaachi) June 15, 2020
canadians be like 𝑧𝑒𝑑 and then shovel snow— sofie halili (@literallysofie) June 16, 2020
A girl I went to high school with just announced that she’s a grandmother, and my right hip disintegrated.— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) June 16, 2020
At this point, I've basically got a Zoom prop bag sitting next to my laptop. It's got a bra, hoodie, lip stick, head scarf, brow definer, hoops, etc. depending on "who all gone be on there."— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) June 16, 2020
Just realized there has never been an easier time for teenagers to buy beer with a fake ID. “Oh that doesn’t look like me? Really? You can tell just from the eyes? No I will NOT take my mask off.”— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) June 18, 2020
“Tomorrow is another day” used to be something people said to encourage each other but now it kind of just feels like a threat.— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) June 14, 2020
Shoutout to the useless people who start 10 Words with Friends games then forget to log in for a week.— Luvvie is writing book 2 (@Luvvie) June 17, 2020
Me. I am useless people.