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My daughter is asking the tooth fairy for $100, “because I really liked that tooth.”— Mara Thee Reporter (@marascampo) January 31, 2021
I know we aren’t supposed to have favorites but my 4 yo suggested we get back in bed and look at pictures of puppies— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) February 1, 2021
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, "don't worry, dad, I'm just grabbing a hammer." I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he's going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 31, 2021
I’m 30 & married but whenever I feed my baby I hear the Avril Lavigne song Sk8r Boi - “five years from now, she sits at home, feeding the baby she’s all alone!”— Emily Favreau (@emilyfavreau) February 4, 2021
who needs nightmares when you can wake up to the whites of your child’s eyes who is silently standing next to your pillow at 2 am— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) February 1, 2021
my son noticed I was struggling so he brought me a cookie and told me my hair was beautiful— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) February 1, 2021
he’ll be hosting his first ‘how to be a good husband’ workshop next week
My five year old was watching the snowfall and said, snow is just cloud poop— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) February 2, 2021
I’ll never be able to make snow angels again
I yelled “go to bed” so loud that I put the neighbor’s kids to bed.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 2, 2021
My kid is doing virtual learning and the history teacher asked the class about great battles of the past and some kid said “the battle of Jurassic Park” and I can’t stop thinking about that now— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) February 1, 2021
I convinced my 2 year old that her teeth would turn purple if she didn’t brush them, this worked really well until she decided she wants purple teeth. I really wish I’d gone with green— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) February 1, 2021
When your kids make you so proud:— Sophy Boyle (@wyvernandstar) February 1, 2021
Years ago I took my little girl to the park. We stopped a while at the pond as there were children feeding the ducks. One kid noticed my daughter watching and offered some of his bread cubes.
'Thank you' my daughter said gravely, and ate them
I just said “Okay?” to my 4 yo and she responded quietly with “No-kay.” 😩😩😩😩😩😩— Meena Harris (@meenaharris) February 1, 2021
(My kid giving me attitude)— Marl (@Marlebean) February 4, 2021
Me: "I pooped on you when you were born"
Not sure where I’d be today if not for all the timely and relevant advice from my 5yo. This morning she woke me to let me know not to bite into hamburgers when they are too hot.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) January 30, 2021
Updated my resume so that under “Skills” it just says: Knows that when my kid says “mommy sing Spider-Man” what he means is “play the Spider-Man junkie xl remix with Michael Buble”— amil (@amil) February 3, 2021
Kids in a 2nd grade Zoom class will straight up raise their hands in the middle of a math lesson to be like “My birthday is in 8 days”— SpacedMom (@copymama) February 4, 2021
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) February 1, 2021
Me: [looking at TVs online]— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) February 3, 2021
Wife: I thought we were putting that money towards a college fund?
Me: [to our 5-year-old] Hey what's 2+2?
Wife: So what TV are we getting?
My 6 year old just told me he had to lay down & rest from being so handsome.— Kelly (@kelly__le) January 30, 2021
Just had a 20 minute argument with my toddler over how to pronounce “hopscotch”, and I’m pretty sure one of us is high as fuck right now.— Jonesy The Beautiful Idiot 🇨🇦 (@VikingJonesy) February 1, 2021
someone taught my son the banana fana fo fana song and oh my god— josie duffy rice (@jduffyrice) February 2, 2021
Now that 4 is learning to read, he’s helpfully pointing out all the ways our names are spelled wrong.— Jacki (@jaxwax04) January 31, 2021
SON: I keep getting called dumb— *sigh*clops (@aotakeo) February 1, 2021
ME: by who? by other dumb kids?
SON: yeah the- did you say “other”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like "why is there a rock in the refrigerator?"— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 3, 2021
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