And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in 280 characters or fewer.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 16, 2020
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I forgot my mask and my husband’s running back to the car to get it, a 2020 romance.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 12, 2020
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot of stuff online, I’m just saying my dog recognizes the sound of an Amazon Prime van approaching.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 17, 2020
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”— dADDisms (@Beagz) July 17, 2020
Me: *swings door open*— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 16, 2020
Welcome to our pandemic summer house.
Husband: This is just our toolshed with a starfish nailed to the door.
My wife: Will you put on some music for the drive home?— Lucy Bexley 🏳️🌈 (@bexley_lucy) July 19, 2020
My wife: *skips 7 songs in a row* Sorry, I’m just trying to get past the Taylor Swift.
Me: Well, I put on Taylor Swift radio, so good luck with that
The news is so disturbing and anxiety inducing so to relax my husband and I are watching The Shining— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) July 13, 2020
My wife smiled and said good morning to me today, there is either a plan for my demise or there's a sale at DSW.— Forward March (@RunOldMan) July 12, 2020
Just when you think your marriage is boring you start watching Netflix together, naked.— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) July 18, 2020
Every restaurant I’ve ever been to my husband takes a bite of whatever he ordered and says, “You gotta taste this.”— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) July 11, 2020
Bad or good, it doesn’t matter. It must be tasted.
Me: My friend Mary is pregnant.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 9, 2020
[10 YEARS LATER]
Husband: Hey, did your friend Mary have her baby?
My daughter asked me what marriage was like and I nodded and said that sounded great. Then she asked me if I was even listening.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 7, 2020
In our marriage we keep the magic alive by plucking each other’s rogue ear and chin hairs.— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) July 16, 2020
The worst part of working from home is having my wife hear all the work jargon I use. I told someone I'd be "out of pocket this afternoon." She asked me what that meant and I told her I literally have no idea.— skoog (@Skoog) July 9, 2020
My wife can remember what I said on November 18 2013, but can't remember the Netflix password she changed last week.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) July 13, 2020
You know you’re a parent when after sex, the wife looks over and informs you that Buzz Lightyear just got the show of his lifetime.— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) July 12, 2020
It doesn’t matter how long I’m married I’m still pissed that hotels don’t have fans in the bathrooms to cover up the potty business going on.— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) July 13, 2020
me: just finished working out— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 11, 2020
wife: stop calling eating chicken wings as fast as you can a workout.
My wife won an argument with four sighs, two eyerolls and zero words.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) July 13, 2020
My wife had me install a super bright motion-sensing flood light and now it looks like I’m trying to escape a prison when I walk outside at night.— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) July 12, 2020
They say communication is important in a marriage so I just sent my husband 6 consecutive texts explaining why I’m right.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 8, 2020
I love that cute married thing we do where I put too many throw pillows on the bed every morning & my husband chucks them off the bed every night.— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) July 18, 2020
Just found a black thong tucked inside my bedsheets that I knew didn’t belong to me so I called my husband over to ask wth that is. So anyway funny story... turns out a thong looks a lot like a face mask.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 17, 2020
My wife walks on water. But only because I tried to fix the plumbing again.— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) July 12, 2020
My husband brought home unfrosted Pop-Tarts and now I have to file for divorce. We had a good run.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 13, 2020