HEALTH
30/09/2019 3:13 PM AEST

Sex Diaries: 'I'm Bi And Having The Best Sex Of My Life – With Women'

I'm 31 and still attracted to men, but dating women for the foreseeable future.

Sex Diaries is a weekly series on HuffPost UK that asks readers to share their sex lives: to talk about the sex they’re having (or not). Interested in anonymously sharing your story? Email sophie.gallagher@huffpost.com

The best sex I ever had was in a nightclub toilet in a bar in Barcelona. We were out with Spanish friends and discovered it’s much easier to get away with bathroom sex when you are two women – nobody questions when you go in a cubicle together. I had no idea what was going on. We were drunk, giddy in love, and on holiday. It was one of the best nights of my life.

Until the age of 26, I’d never even drunkenly kissed a woman; I’d solely dated and slept with men. Now, five years later, I’ve just come out of a three-year-relationship with a woman and slept with lots of other women. For me it wasn’t a long coming out process. One day I just said to myself: why not try dating women? It was like a switch had been flicked, literally – I went on to Tinder, changed my preferences to women and went from there.

I’d always been attracted to women and fantasised about having sex with them but had never felt the inclination to do anything. I know people might hear that and think I was just closeted, but I have lots of gay friends and a very accepting family so it didn’t ever feel like something I was repressing. I’d always said if the opportunity presented itself to sleep with a woman I’d do it, but it just never did.

So I decided actively to create an opportunity using the filters on dating apps. I didn’t tell any of my friends until right before my first date. I texted a friend – who is gay – and she guessed I was going out with a woman. In fact, the more people I told, the less anyone seemed surprised by it, which made me laugh.

Although my ‘coming out’ was a success, that first date was a disaster – I spilt red wine everywhere and we just didn’t click. But it got better. I met a woman who I had really casual sex with for a while, then another girl from Brighton who I dated on and off, visiting her for dirty weekends from my then home in London.

Then I met a long-term partner, the woman I was with for three years. That was far longer than I’d ever been with a man – my longest up to that point has been six months with my university boyfriend (he was on the rugby team, I played netball; it was such a cliché). 

Although I’m still physically attracted to men I don’t see myself going back to dating, or sleeping with, them.

Although that relationship came to an end, it definitely cemented my views on dating women. I’m still physically attracted to men, but I don’t see myself going back to dating, or sleeping with, them. Sex with women is just a totally different world. I feel so much more empowered, liberated and even more safe when I’m having sex with a woman. That’s not to say I didn’t have great sex with men. But this is more erotic, more intimate. Even the wildest sex makes me feel cared for. 

The female form is just more beautiful to me than the male. With men I very much have a type – super masculine is what I find most attractive. But with women I don’t have one type at all: the first was a blonde tomboy, the second was grungy, the third one (who I dated for ages) was very femme. The woman I’m seeing now is very androgynous looking. It’s nice not having a type.

I do get more nervous before having sex with women, worrying about my body in a way I don’t with men. It feels the same as being in a gym changing room when you’re looking at women who go spinning 500 times a week and have these insane bodies. Having sex with a woman, it’s easier to compare your body to hers, but I’ve never had a woman be negative. In fact, they are way more likely to compliment you. And once I’m over that initial hurdle, the sex is better, too – a woman knows a woman’s body better than any man. 

So I’m now looking at dating women for the foreseeable future. I won’t swear off men forever – I want kids and doing that would short-term would be easier with a man – but I’m happier with women. It’s not just about the sex. With women I feel an equal part in the relationship, in the bedroom, in our careers, in our relationships. When I was with men the focus was on them and their career.

It’s interesting how many of my straight female friends are curious about my sex life. I have a couple of married friends who, given the right opportunity, would be having sex with women. Sometimes I feel sad for them that they’re missing out, but they’re with men they love. In my own life, I’ve reached a point where I’m comfortable with the person I am, and my wants and needs (both physically and emotionally). I’m not willing to put up with less than I deserve.