Sex that doesnât culminate in orgasm (for both partners, ideally) is often written off as crappy sex. But for those practicing the sex technique known as âkarezza,â not climaxing isnât a failure at all â itâs the point.
Karezza, which comes from the Italian word for caress (âcarezzaâ), prioritises gentle, affectionate forms of intercourse that donât end in orgasm, with the goal of boosting intimacy, improving communication and deepening connection.
It may also include other bonding behaviours like soft touching, kissing, deep breathing, gazing, cuddling and skin-to-skin contact.
âKarezzaâs goal is not about orgasming, nor is it about the tension and excitement that produces orgasms,â Jesse Kahn, a sex therapist and director of the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York, told HuffPost. âItâs much slower and low tension.â
Doctor Alice Bunker Stockham (and badass 19th-century feminist) is credited with coining the term in her 1896 book âKarezza, Ethics of Marriage.â
âShe advocated karezza for a number of reasons: as a method of birth control â perhaps not the best method since the âpre-ejaculate fluidâ released by the penis can contain live sperm â as a practice to encourage and enhance marital intimacy and improve equality between the sexes by prioritising female sexual pleasure,â said New Jersey sex therapist and neuroscientist Nan Wise, who noted the practice has roots in Tantric and Taoist principles.
We asked sex experts to teach us more about karezza and how it might be able to reignite the spark in your stale relationship.
Karezza reduces sex-related performance anxiety
âThis fixation on orgasm actually makes sex a lot less enjoyable for most people,â said Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and creator of the online course The Passion Project. âSex ends up feeling like a race to the finish, like the moments leading up to orgasm arenât important.â
For women who have never orgasmed from sex, karezza relieves the pressure to fake a âWhen Harry Met Sallyâ-style climax to stroke their partnerâs ego. And it may also be appealing to men (or anyone with a penis) whoâs dealt with erectile dysfunction.
âIf youâre a man who struggles with erectile or orgasmic challenges, youâll have the relief of knowing there are other ways to connect that donât require perfect âperformanceâ from your body,â Marin added.
It brings you into the present
When youâre singularly focused on having an orgasm, itâs hard to be in the moment. You canât enjoy the physical sensations and feelings of connection because youâre trying desperately not to lose that orgasm momentum.
âAs I like to say, a âwatched orgasm never boils,ââ said Wise, author of âWhy Good Sex Matters.â âIt means that once we start thinking about chasing the orgasm, we are out of the present moment â and the present moment is where pleasure happens. If we are in our heads, we arenât in our bodies, and if we arenât in the experience of our bodies, sexual pleasure stalls.â
It makes sex last longer
âIn regular lovemaking, the male orgasm or ejaculation tends to end the party,â Wise said, pointing to a 2005 study of 500 heterosexual couples that found that the median time it takes for a man to orgasm during sex is 5.4 minutes. In a separate study, researchers found it takes women 13.4 minutes on average. This disparity could explain, in part, why the orgasm gap is widest for straight women.
When orgasms are off the table, sex can last as long as youâd like.
âPeople have sex like rabbits. Karezza is more like having sex like a tortoise,â sexuality counselor Eric Garrison told Womenâs Health.
It leaves you feeling closer to your partner
Oxytocin, also known as the âcuddle hormone,â is released during karezza-type activities like embracing and kissing, which creates warm, fuzzy feelings and a sense of well-being. So itâs no wonder the experience can leave you feeling extra bonded to your partner.
âItâs a great option for couples rekindling a connection after some form of rupture has harmed trust in the relationship or for survivors of sexual trauma,â said Liz Afton, a psychotherapist at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center.
One husband, who previously struggled with a porn addiction, explained that practicing karezza âcreates a deep feeling in a relationship that is very difficult to describe â much deeper than conventional sex,â according to ABC News.
What To Know Before You Try It
You donât need to be in a serious, committed relationship to practice karezza â anyone can benefit from the experience of slowing down and tuning into sensations in their own body while connecting with their partner, Wise said.
But given how intimate the experience can get, karezza might be better suited for people who have established trust, mutual respect and feel comfortable around each other, Afton said.
âItâs not the best fit for a casual encounter, unless both parties are interested in getting an oxytocin bath that will likely accelerate the emotional bonding between partners,â she said.
So Afton wouldnât recommend trying karezza on a first date, with someone demonstrating red flag behaviour, or anyone âyour gut is telling you isnât trustworthy.â
Below, experts share the advice theyâd offer to people interested in trying karezza:
Check in with yourself first.
Doing some solo work beforehand â including mindfulness techniques like meditation and yoga â can teach you how to cultivate awareness and help clarify your own desires.
Masturbating can help you get in touch with your body and tune into pleasurable sensations.
âWe need to learn how to play our own pleasure instruments â our bodies â before we can play in a band â or have sex with another person,â Wise said.
Communicate with your partner before, during and after the experience.
Talk about what you each hope to get out of the experience. Lay down some ground rules so youâre both clear on which elements (physical or emotional) youâre interested in exploring, and anything you want to avoid. If your partner hasnât heard of karezza, share what youâve learned, encourage them to do their own research and make sure theyâre on board with it.
âJust like any other sex act, karezza requires enthusiastic consent at every stage of the experience,â Afton said.
Start gradually and build up from there.
If youâre more accustomed to fast-and-furious, orgasm-driven sex, karezza may be a big departure from the norm. Slowing things down may feel odd at first so take small steps to make things more comfortable for you and your partner.
âFirst, try just spending a session with each other where you focus on touching each other all over your bodies. Donât even think of it as âsex,â just think of it as trying to slow down and pay more attention to touch,â Marin said. âThen try doing a session where you exchange hand jobs, but donât allow each other to orgasm. Then try it with oral sex. Then with intercourse, if thatâs a part of your sex life.â
Find little ways to bond, physically and emotionally.
That might be in-sync breathing, massaging, kissing or eye contact â whatever brings you closer to your partner.
âConsider what positions close or open the current of energy moving between you,â Afton said. âPlacing each otherâs hands on your hearts, layering limbs, mirroring positions and synching breath patterns can all heighten sensation and deepen your connection.â
As Kahn said: âThere is not one set way to perform karezza â find what works for you.â
And stay present using your breath and by focusing on the different sensations.
âImagine your partnerâs body as a conduit of energy because it is,â Afton said. âInfuse every motion with gentleness, curiosity and a desire to learn from the experience.â
And if you do orgasm, donât beat yourself up over it.
Although orgasming isnât part of karezza, if it does happen for you or your partner, know that itâs not a failure. While youâre not aiming for climax, you shouldnât be focusing all of your attention on avoiding it either.
Sex Ed for Grown-Ups is a series tackling everything you didnât learn about sex in school â beyond the birds and the bees. Keep checking back for more expert-based articles and personal stories.