The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant and succinct wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious musings of 280 characters or less.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
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Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life
— Jia Tolentino (@jiatolentino) November 19, 2019
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
— Emma Stefansky (@stefabsky) November 20, 2019
If you put away the clean laundry on the same day that you wash it, I feel like that’s what you should lead with on your resume.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) November 18, 2019
My super power is looking at someone and knowing exactly what they owned from American Apparel in 2009
— Sarah Hagi (@geekylonglegs) November 17, 2019
more like captain von *thirst* trapp pic.twitter.com/2cFlmh4BWz
— Elena Nicolaou (@elenawonders) November 16, 2019
Nothing makes me more drunk with millennial power than helping boomers turn off the flashlight on their phone.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) November 18, 2019
When I grow up I will be tall enough to wear a Reformation dress
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) November 17, 2019
gonna tell my kids this is Mount Rushmore. pic.twitter.com/G7SEWklnzn
— ✨Nakia Danielle✨ (@UrLeadingLady) November 20, 2019
winter weekends
— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) November 17, 2019
9am: wake up
9:30-12pm: the world is my oyster
12-3pm: I should really go outside
3:30pm: it’s going to be dark out any minute, might as well stay in
8pm: fuck
I never in life wanted to be the kind of successful that requires getting to an airport before 7 am.
— Tressie McMillan Cottom (@tressiemcphd) November 18, 2019
Kids duvet covers: Robots! Mermaids! Spaceships! Hiccuping monkeys! Dinosaurs in sunglasses!
— Becca Barnes (@BeccaBarnesCats) November 17, 2019
Adult duvet covers: hope you like F L O W E R S pic.twitter.com/nkcPBBEKCk
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) November 18, 2019
When guys turn 30 they have to pick a subclass:
— SWAGAMEMNON 🎮 (@swagamemnon22) November 19, 2019
- podcaster/streamer
- beer guy
- guy who bikes to work
- golfer
when to start defrosting your turkey:
— kim thanks 🦃 (@KimmyMonte) November 22, 2019
•4-8 lbs: monday night
•8-15 lbs: sunday morning
•16-20 lbs: halloween
•25+ lbs: that’s a pug, why do you have my pug
Just thought “tiny prison for dishes” when I was trying to come up with the word “kitchen” so that tells you a lot about where my mind is.
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) November 17, 2019
A child in this grocery store is crying and eating a cookie while she's riding in a shopping cart, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) November 17, 2019
Movies That Wouldnt Have Happened if the Dude Had just Gone to Therapy
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) November 18, 2019
Yeah I guess I don’t love that the cool ass music I used to listen to in high school is now in medication commercials.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) November 21, 2019
Me when I wear 4 inch heels pic.twitter.com/fSmaG1Jb1m
— Angie B (@Angibangie) November 22, 2019
If you light a candle, it’s not “drinking wine alone in your house,” it’s hygge.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) November 22, 2019