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5-year-old: Want to see how many cookies I can eat?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 27, 2020
5: Then don't watch.
Me: Your nails are so pretty someone awesome must have painted your nails— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) January 28, 2020
3: No, you did
Your child will reject the first 3 bananas on the grounds they are too bruised but on receipt of the 4th and perfect banana they will announce they don’t like bananas anymore— MumInBits (@MumInBits) January 27, 2020
- The Law of Bananas
I put apple sauce, instead of apple juice, in my 3-year-old's lunch box today. He came home and said:— Déborah (@deborahkabwang) January 28, 2020
Don't put that in my lunch box ever again.
Friend: so what’s it like parenting a toddler?— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 30, 2020
Friend: just curious.
Friend: I don’t know nevermind.
Friend: hey fuck you man.
Me: yes that’s it exactly.
Toddler: get in my spaceship— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) January 28, 2020
Me: so are you flying this thing?
Toddler: ya, we go to space!
Me: *gets in spaceship* so what's your favorite planet?
Me: okay I don't trust her
Behind every photo taken at home is a mom pushing random crap out of the way so her house appears clean.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) January 31, 2020
My 6 y/o son thanked God for Walmart dot com in his bedtime prayers. We’ve never used that website. I’m going to sleep.— Bunmi Laditan (@HonestToddler) January 31, 2020
Coworker: Why would you want go to Hawaii by yourself— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) January 28, 2020
Me: Why would you want anyone to go with you?
Her: your kid, husband...
Me: I said what I said
Let’s play a game of “Why Did Part Of My Child’s Lunch Come Back Home Uneaten Today?” Choose one:— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 28, 2020
A. “I didn’t have time to finish”
B. “I didn’t notice that was in there”
C. “It got soggy/brown/warm/cold”
D. “I don’t like [insert food] anymore even though I loved it 2 days ago"
My 4yo thinks I work with a person named Boss. Every morning she tells me “have fun at work today with Boss and do good on your projects.” I will never correct her.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) January 29, 2020
4yo: How old will I be when our pet guinea pigs get married?— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 29, 2020
Me: They don’t get married.
Me: Because they’re animals.
Me: Because that’s how they were born.
Me: You’ll be 6 when they get married.
As a mom of 4 boys, nothing scares me more than when someone opens their backpack & says “I need help with this.”— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 28, 2020
daughter: what does DNA stand for?— *sigh*clops (@aotakeo) January 30, 2020
me: nobody knows sweatheart... nobody knows
And on the 8th day, the Lord realized He actually hated us and gave us kale, Kidz Bop, and waiting in lines.— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) January 31, 2020
If you enjoy fighting with someone at 7 AM about brushing their teeth I can't recommend parenting highly enough.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 29, 2020
I’m just a mom, standing in the shower, praying her toddler doesn’t find her.— TeacherMom (@TweatingForTwo) January 26, 2020
Until I became a parent I didn’t know I would be at a club and worried if all the people dancing had taken their flu shots— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) January 29, 2020
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) January 29, 2020