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Listening to my 5 year old talk is like listening to a smaller version of that friend who’s high 24/7.— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) June 6, 2020
“What are walls?”
“Could a cheetah beat a whale shark?”
“What happens before you’re born?”
Just add James Franco and dick jokes and I’m in a Seth Rogen movie
Good news: My son cleaned his room— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) June 9, 2020
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.— bacon popsicle 🎨 (@Gupton68) June 12, 2020
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) June 11, 2020
The kids report cards are coming out today so I'm excited to see how I did.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 10, 2020
Babies sneak into your home using your wife like a human trojan horse. Are those the actions of a "precious angel"? I think not.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 11, 2020
My 5yo’s latest way of roasting me with a seemingly innocent question was asking if I was sure I was younger than grandpa.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 7, 2020
Since becoming a parent, one of my favourite parts of the day is bath time— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) June 11, 2020
All the toys and water squirters bring so much unbridled joy and uncontrollable laughter rings through the house
Until my wife drags me out because the kids are fed up waiting to get in that is 🙄
Twitter: Hey you're awake early, why are--— Kwame Mbalia (@KSekouM) June 10, 2020
Me: Baby's up
Me, grabbing a fresh diaper and a new package of Pampers Sensitive Wipes: Baby's up
[Watching T.V.]— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) June 11, 2020
4: What are they doing?
Me: They're protesting, little man.
Me: Because some people are awful and aren't nice to people with a different color of skin.
4: So those people are awful like the smell of poop?
That boy already gets it.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) June 11, 2020
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) June 10, 2020
My 4yo (Button) has a fluid understanding of human development. She knows that she is growing up & getting bigger, and like any kid, wants to know if she’ll be a grownup when she’s 12.— Justice for #BreonnaTaylor (@TrulyTafakari) June 9, 2020
But she also thinks she’s Benjamin Button and believes she will also get smaller in old age 😂
Kid: Where do babies come from?— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 8, 2020
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman...
[stray cat on our front porch]— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 8, 2020
6-year-old: Can we keep it?
Me: Your mom is allergic.
6: Mom can stay outside.
A telemarketer called me the other day but instead of hanging up on her I gave the phone to my toddler. Nothing could have prepared her for the barrage of babbling gobbledegook that came her way and listening to her try to disengage without hurting his feelings was fucking MAGIC.— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) June 10, 2020
wife: we’re going outside to eat popsicles, wanna join us?— #hashtagtacos 🌮 (@VicVijayakumar) June 11, 2020
me: yeah! gonna grab a-
wife: 5 took the last mango
[I walk outside]
me: 5, I heard you took my last mango popsicle
5: oh man it was SO GOOD I wish you‘d tried it. So good. So. Good.
I’m being trolled by a child.
I was folding clothes and my 3yo asked me to play hide-and-seek. I said, ok go hide. After like 15 minutes I hear a little voice yell, "mom are you gonna come find me!" I totally forgot we were playing hide-and-seek, I just kept on folding clothes lol— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) June 10, 2020
Today during a check up I asked the pediatrician what I could do to make my toddler stop throwing stuff.— Possum Kingdom 🖤 (@aissalanis) June 10, 2020
He looked at me and said “oh you can’t make her stop” and he literally laughed out loud.
Anyway if you’re looking for the devil, he literally has an office in Georgia.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) June 7, 2020
In a world of many parenting hacks, only one hack remains indisputably effective when you need a kid to do something:— The Dad (@thedad) June 12, 2020
"I'll time you."