Extroverts listen up. Seriously! Stop talking for just a minute. My opinionated brothers and sisters; I have something to say.
Our way of life is threatened. Threatened like a promotional ice cream flavour at the end of summer, doomed to melt into memories of the past.
The rise of the introvert in the past five cultural minutes is a serious danger to our ingrained form of expression. Not since the European Mime Guild strikes of the '50s has an inaudible movement looked so menacing
No longer can we tolerate this quiet, almost silent and slow speaking horde. We must fight back and reclaim our rights to be outspoken, loud, interruptive and expressive.
I am married to an introvert. People often tell us we are a complimentary pairing. But I am here to tell you that it is exhausting. As an extrovert, I constantly have to cover for my socially reserved spouse. People assume that you love communicating, that it is what you prefer to do. This isn't exactly the case. I also love macaroni cheese, but if I had to eat it day-in, day-out then I'd soon end up in a padded cell, painting invisible masterpieces with citrus juices on the floor and claiming I was John Lennon reincarnated.
Like me, I bet many of you have had to suffer through corporate brainstorming sessions where the facilitator places you on a verbal leash, proceeding to wait in inefficient silence for the introverts to contribute some unformed and soft-spoken something.
It is not the family but the extrovert that society is built upon. The extroverts are the leaders, the entertainers and the social mouthpieces leading us forward. Loudly.
The introvert incursion threatens to rob all extroverts of our right to free speech. Yes, we equally share this right to freely speak our minds, but it is the extrovert who is under attack for doing so with too much freedom.
How many times must I be forced to make small talk about current road-works, the fabric structure of my cardigan, the inflammation source of my dog's rash, the rising price of dried apricots and various local sporting teams chances of victory?
How often are decisions delayed, side-tracked or reneged because an introvert needed extra time inside their own personal head palace to locate and express a clear thought?
Why are my extroverted kinfolk being asked to take a back seat while the introverts attempt to drive the communication car? From where I sit we are headed over the hill. Technology will not solve this problem. We cannot have a driverless car. The extroverts must be behind the wheel.
The solution? Do not go quietly. Do not apologise if you have something to say. Say it loudly, with confidence and repeatedly. Fill the silences. Win the war.
No longer should we make excuses for our introvert friends. Sometimes it is just plain rude to not say anything and withhold your thoughts. Don't label it – own it.
Introverts reading this may want to marinate in anger for the next few days, quietly forming an opinion and silently being outraged from the safety of your keyboards and broadband connections.
Please know that as an extrovert I will have moved on. I'll freely admit that I have flipped my position, no longer care about the issue and be loudly sharing my thoughts on key tactical moves for the upcoming AFL Grand Final.