9 Things I Wish The Internet Would Stop Telling Me To Do

Telling a confirmed worrier like myself not to worry is a bad idea.
I have a pretty good filter, but some things I just can't stand.
I have a pretty good filter, but some things I just can't stand.

I spend a lot of time online, which is basically code for saying I'm on Facebook a lot, and so I'm used to being bombarded with messages telling me how I should be behaving. Do this, wear that, don't eat this, donate here, think like me, act like her. It's tiring. But I have got a pretty good filter, which is basically code for saying I don't care about people telling me what to do.

But there are some messages that blast straight through my filter and on to my nerves. I'd rather be told how to dress, what make up to wear or what charity to donate to than be told any of the following:

Don't Worry

Telling a person, especially a confirmed worrier like myself, not to worry is like telling a big leafy tree not to make shade. I'm happy to listen to facts and perspective that may lead me to stop worrying but telling me to stop, because presumably my worry makes you uncomfortable, is unproductive and dismissive.

Calm Down

Never in the history of humanity has a person calmed down by being told to calm down. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if data exists to prove the opposite is in fact true. If I am not calm there is probably a reason. And that reason is most definitely not because someone has forgotten to remind me to calm down.

Love Your Body

I know the intention is good. Wouldn't it be good if we could all just switch those love buttons on and start appreciating the bodies we have? I have tried; my switch appears to be malfunctioning. I look in the mirror and I do not love what I see however loudly you tell me to focus on the good things my body does. Working on my self-esteem might work better than simply being told to love my body.

Exercise To Lift Your Depression

It may have cured yours. Maybe you read a blog about a woman who started running and instead of losing weight she tossed off her shroud of depression. I exercise every day, although sometimes out of respect for a god I don't believe in, I give it a rest on Sunday. I remain emotionally unchanged but a little more depressed that your super suggestions aren't working for me.

Meditation Will Help You Relax

No, meditation will help me feel like a pretentious wanker who has failed at staying in the moment and is now wracked with worry over the fact that I cannot even sit still and clear my thoughts for a whole two minutes.

Listening to meditations at night, taking two minutes to meditate on waking, learning meditation techniques have made me realise one thing -- meditation makes me anxious and concentrating on my breath makes me forget how to actually breathe. Concentrating on a certain body part just makes that body part itch.

Reverse Your Diabetes By Changing Your Diet

I am almost tempted to walk around with a letter from my endocrinologist explaining that this is not true for all cases of Type 2 Diabetes. My BMI is in the mid-to-low range and my diet is currently so good Gwyneth Paltrow would deign to share a meal with me. See my point about exercise above. Plus unless you're my doctor and I am asking for your advice please don't give me any health tips.

Everything Happens For A Reason

No it doesn't. Sometimes random stuff just happens and it happens for no reason at all. You didn't "deserve" it, you didn't ask for it and it will probably teach you nothing other than that sometimes random stuff happens and it's not always great.

Do A Cleanse To Get Rid of Toxins In Your Body

I'm lucky. I have a digestive system which already eliminates waste material and bacteria from my body. I do not need green smoothies or extra kale in my day. Nor do I need to starve my body when it's already working so efficiently.

At least You Can Afford...

You know what money doesn't buy? It doesn't buy inner peace or happiness or freedom from anxiety or stress. It doesn't buy a traumatic free past or future. It just buys stuff.