15/06/2016 12:23 PM AEST | Updated 21/12/2016 4:12 PM AEDT

Cats Are Arseholes. But I Love Them Anyway

What other animal knows how to toilet in a discreet tray from eight weeks old?

If you have cats, your home is always on trend with the latest styles.
Martin Poole
If you have cats, your home is always on trend with the latest styles.

If you're my friend, follow me on social media or have ever been within a 50-metre radius of my person, you'll know I love cats. I like dogs a lot, too. In fact, I had two gorgeous puppies growing up. But I love cats. My two cats are my phone screensaver and I'll show you 10 videos of them, even if you don't ask to see. Cats are the best. And I'm going to tell you why.

Cat people are more intelligent. It's been proven by science. And I mean really, all you have to do is look at the personality traits of a cat to know it's true. Cats are independent, tend to be moody, and socialise when they feel like but are equally comfortable in their own company. Dogs are endearing, sweet and, well, a little needy. And they say pets are like their owners...

Cats are clean. What other animal knows how to toilet in a discreet tray from eight weeks old? Not puppies. And certainly not human babies. Even as young kittens they do their thing prudently and are even so courteous as to cover it up afterward. Does your 18-month-old do that?

Cats are minimalists. Put anything on a table or bench (a pen, your work security pass, your favourite lipstick) and your cat will knock it to the floor quick smart and then hide it forever, never to be found again. It's because cats are minimalists. In fact, they're all huge fans of the Bauhaus Movement.

Cats are living hot-water bottles. Ever had a Afghan Hound curl up on your lap? Unless you have a small breed of dog, cats make way better heaters. They are even so kind as to warm up your fresh dry cleaning and leave an alluring coat of moulted fur.

Cats believe in work-life balance. Ever tried to do a few emails at the kitchen table? Your cat will sit directly on the keyboard, preventing you from doing so. It's because they think you work too hard.

Cats are foodies. They have impeccable taste when it comes to food, and have no qualms in letting you know when they don't like and won't eat a meal. Even if they ate it for the past two weeks straight and loved it yesterday. Even when you've just forked out for a palette of the stuff because you thought they liked it. Sigh.

Cats let you go away for the weekend. Leave a can of food out and going out of town is no problem. You can't do that with a dog. Hell, the cat won't even care or even acknowledge your existence. Sometimes for weeks on end.

Cats make excellent hats. Most often at four in the morning when they insist on sitting directly on top of your head instead of curling up at the foot of the bed like they do on the TV commercials.

Cats are interior decorators. Because they claw your couch and blinds and rug to shreds so you need to replace them every two years, meaning your home is always on trend when it comes to the latest interior styles.

Actually, cats are aresholes. But I love them anyway.


This post first appeared on June 6, 2016.