It's time to name, shame and glorify the people who exist on everybody's Facebook News Feed. You know who they are. Or maybe you don't. (Ever accepted a friend request out of sympathy? Me too.)
There are thousands of groups on social media. Some are hilarious, some are pathetic, some celebrate bad parenting, others celebrate alcoholism, eating disorders, birthdays cakes, Donald trump's hair, people who hate dolphins, people who shout at inanimate objects, secret stalkers and a page for people who 'flip their pillow over to get to the cold side'.
But it's time to create a new group. An Urban Dictionary of Annoying Facebook friends. So here goes. You might recognise a few of your friends on this list. Or perhaps one of these crazy types is YOU. Here's a snapshot of seven of the best of the worst.
Late to the Party
This person doesn't give a rats arse if a meme or video was doing the rounds two years ago. They have only JUST seen it today and they're going to post it. They feel like they're the one that discovered it! "A cat in a PIRATE COSTUME! What???" In their mind, everyone is poised on the edge of their seats for their next internet-breaking post. It doesn't matter if everybody else has already seen it 102 times; here it is again for the 103rd time! You could set them straight, but why? It's not that hard to type "LOL!" and just move on.
Injured and Proud
It doesn't matter if they're bitten by a flea, so long as the wound looks gross and impressive, this person will post it. The Injured and Proud posters are as unpredictable as they are disgusting. A festering scab on your knee after a skateboard prang? It's purple now and there's pus too... Awesome! Zoom in and post it! Hell, slap on a filter to really make that oozing pus pop off the page. Even injured kids are fair game. Broken arm, black eye, foot pointing the wrong way? Your friends need to see this! Kinda makes you miss the cat in the pirate suit, doesn't it!
Are they trying too hard to be ironic or to show how unique they are? Maybe, but I applaud them just the same. They like to post the ugliest, most unflattering photos of themselves. The REALLY ugly images may even get elevated to profile pics! If, by some misfortune, they look handsome one day, they just slap on a silly face or maybe some cartoon graphics, and voila, ugly as a mule again! We should all aspire to be like Mr. or Ms Anti-Selfie. To live our lives in a mental/spiritual place where we do not give a toss what anybody thinks of us.
It's one thing to post photos of a delicious-looking plate of photo-shopped food, moments before it's been devoured...but these people share only the messy aftermath. Trust me, there is nothing attractive about your plate of half-eaten cow, or a large bowl smeared with the surviving drops of Bolognese sauce. Sorry, not sorry, thanks, no, thanks.
ALL My Friends Ate Dinner With Me
It doesn't matter how far back you go or how many chairs you stand on to get your money shot, it always looks like crap. Yep, this person posts photos of ALL his friends around a large table. Compensating for something? Maybe. Whatever the motivation, the pictures look like hell. Everybody around the sides and back looks like little pin heads peeking out of the shadows, which, in turn, makes the person in the foreground look like a watermelon head. Here's an idea: just take photos of your friends two or three at a time and make a collage instead. There's an app for that! You're welcome.
Crap Yet Proud Photographer
These people are the true butchers. They delight in posting terrible pictures of anything and everything. If there's a cat show, they''ll post a photo from the back of the venue. You'll see a bunch of tiny cats and a few human backsides in the foreground. Even better if the subject is blocked by people standing just in front, also taking photos. Is that a lake whizzing past the car window? ... Got it! No need to stop or crop – that blurry reflection from the car window looks perfect. Ugh!
Fake It Til Ya Make It
These people love posting anything and everything fake. Even if they KNOW it's fake, they still post it if it fits their agenda. '150 Doctors Killed by Panadol', 'Man Dies After Smelling A BBQ From Two Blocks Away', 'Cure For Cancer Is Kept Secret By The Government...'
Just stop it! And while you're at it, knock off the phony 'giveaway posts' -– 'FREE 1st class travel if you re-post this!' And, of course, there's the fake celebrity posts. Regular victims, Angelina Jolie, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and Liam Neeson don't even HAVE Facebook pages. In fact, Mr. Clooney has said he doesn't understand why famous people need social media...they are already famous enough!