Hey, Jack... yeah, I see you, man. Darting eyes and that little smirk peeking out from behind that cheese toastie you've been nibbling.
I know what's going on. You're living a lie. While your workmates flock to the kitchen for our weekly 'meeting', you keep your distance -- watching, listening and desperate to speak.
Maybe it's time to come out from behind your toastie and just admit that you, too, watch 'The Bachelor'. You're not fooling anyone. You're just depriving yourself of half the fun you get from watching the show... gabbing about it with people afterwards. The flower-chewing moment? Come on.
I know you're scared, but the view from the closet must really suck. And we're having a blast out here. Remember the season when Bachelor Blake changed his mind and dumped the girl he chose on the show, only to run off with his 3rd choice? Even then, I knew you were watching.
What is it?
Are you just too cool?
Insecure may be more like it. Remember your snide comments?
"You girls need to get a LIFE. That show is for the brain dead!"
Look, we're all hard-working journalists who enjoy a bit of escapism. It takes the edge off a tough world and helps us make our way with a smile on our face. There's no shame in indulging in trashy television once a year. (Or twice ... Aussie Survivor is starting soon.)
Unfortunately, you're not the only one who transfers his insecurities onto someone else. One of my news anchor pals recently had to go into defence mode over a mean comment on Twitter. Her crime? She admitted to being a fan of 'The Bachelor'.
The deeply offended TV news viewer said something about "lost respect" and questioned my mate's intelligence.
Buddy, my pal is one of the brainiest people you'll ever meet.
My friend tweeted back a witty comment like: "Release the sniffer dogs. This man has lost his sense of humour and needs it back urgently."
And good on her. Because seriously, if anyone deserves to enjoy the tawdry drama of 'The Bachelor', it's a news anchor. Day in and day out, they're up to their armpits in doom and gloom, murder and mayhem, missing dogs, missing children, stabbing attacks, record ice hauls, corrupt cops, Taylor Swift's white lies, corrupt politicians, rising property prices, falling gold prices, Kardashians, global warming, and Justin Bieber.
Seems like the perfect excuse to kick back and watch a group of ladies vying for the attention of a man. It doesn't matter that the Bachelor made his decision the moment the blonde bounced out of the limo and squeaked a breathless "Hi, I'm Alex!"
Even those depraved few who don't watch The Bachelor have to admit the concept is intriguing: falling in love with one person when you're 'given' 22 stunning women to choose from. They're virtually handed to you on a silver platter. But don't forget, all roses have thorns.
Whether or not the relationship lasts (most of them have, so far), isn't it even slightly intriguing to think that one person becomes the object of the Bachelor's heart?
One more thing, Jack. Even if you think 'The Bachelor' is a load of rubbish, it still satisfies a basic human need: laughter. The Bachelor is very, very funny.
The bottom line is, if you do watch 'The Bachelor' and pretend you don't, that's okay. It doesn't mean you're not still a rocket scientist. And if you truly don't watch it and never intend to, that's okay too. Just stop bagging the rest of us who recognise our need for some light and trashy entertainment. You've probably never read Fifty Shades of Grey either, right? Nice try, I borrowed your copy, remember?