Picture this, you are standing in a crowded elevator. Your meeting is due to kick off in 90 seconds and your boss is already annoyed at you for being late yesterday. There is a backpack in your face, the scent of body odour in your nose and someone slurping coffee in your ear.
The doors start to close.
Suddenly, a hand bursts through. Someone is barging into the already overcrowded elevator. You take a deep breath and exhale, you still have 60 seconds, you will make it. The doors start to close again.
Someone on the ground floor has pressed the button and the doors burst open again. Your evil stare burns holes into the perpetrator's eyes. They squeeze in and hit level one.
You can only hope to be on time tomorrow.
Most people have at least one annoying trait. They either choose to ignore it or they live in complete ignorant bliss. So people, listen up, if you do any of the following, you are on someone's burn list.
Describing a dream -- in detail
I hate to break it to you, but dreams aren't real. Dreams are the perfect "you had to be there" story, except not even you were there.
Your ex-girlfriend is not marrying your mother, your childhood rock collection has not come to life to steal your electronics and you definitely did not get arrested naked.
(If you actually do get arrested naked, please tell me about that. But for the time being I would like to finish my morning coffee in peace.)
Leaving an indicator on too long
An indicator flashing for a long time is not just irritating, it is stressful. Are you turning? Have you turned? Are you going to turn in to me? Do you even know I am here? Or are you simply just planning to drive in one continuous circle?
Turning at a green indicator really slowly
This is another driving-related one, it stands to reason why road rage is a common term. Get off your phone and pay attention. Green means go. Unless you are driving a semi-trailer there is no reason to turn at -2kmph.
Chewing with your mouth open
I don't need to see your food. I don't need to hear your food. I don't need to mentally compare your face and a cow's face chewing simultaneously. For the extreme offenders, Misophonia is a serious condition. Google it.
Reversing in to a car park
Congratulations! You can shift your gears in to reverse. But, why? You are at a shopping centre. Your boot is at the back of your car. Your boot is used for putting goods and purchases in. Don't you want to simplify this access? Why do you prefer to hold up a line of impatient fellow drivers whose hopes you just rose when you passed the spot, only for you to then reverse back in to it?
There are speed limits for vehicles, boats stick to a knot, humans should too. If anyone has had the pleasure of visiting Times Square, channel that. If you are enjoying a day off and have all the time in the world, do not leisurely stroll in a peak-hour pedestrian crowd.
It's okay to be late.
It's not okay to think a meeting time is a suggestion. Is it also not okay to leave for your destination at said meeting time. Time is a valuable thing. Whoever is waiting for you will just begin to resent you, trust me.
People who reply – okay
People who say – I have to talk to you about something
This is the cruelest thing someone can do to another's conscience. Is there are forgotten birthday? Are they pregnant? Did someone die? Cue four hours of anxiety and 'worst case scenario' thoughts only to discover that their cat has hiccups again.
Talking about how busy you are as a parent
There are billions of people in the world. Of those billions, billions of them have parents. If life as a parent is as unique and busy as you say it is, there would be no sliced bread or the wheel.
Standing close to someone in a line
The line won't move faster. Gyrating and thrusting against those in front of you won't stop everyone paying on credit. Learn some patience and practice personal space.
I plead you all to follow these simple steps. Traffic will flow, no one will be late and secret office eye rolls will cease.
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