10/07/2017 3:25 PM AEST | Updated 10/07/2017 3:25 PM AEST

How Losers Can Still Win At Life


Steve Gray
Winning life's lottery is more important.

I didn't win Tattslotto this week. Again.

I didn't win that all-inclusive holiday that I mentally planned my annual leave around either.

I also now must continue to spend my hard earned on weekly groceries because a year's free worth definitely is not landing on my doorstep.

The most common thing that people say when they win something is the thing that annoys me the most; "I never win anything". Look, obviously you do, because you just did.

I won't claim that I've been destitute on the life-wins scale. I once won $5 in a colouring competition and last year my horse came third in the Melbourne Cup sweep. I naively reinvested the $2 in a scratchy that resulted to nothing, so maybe that wasn't a win after all.

I've decided that a win shouldn't be a large monetary amount or even a shiny trophy. There can be wins for the losers too and they come in all shapes and sizes.

Taking a sick day and your colleagues actually think your sick

You mess your hair up a bit and you even practice your fake cough. The pleasure of spending a day in your trackies making muffins for your dog far outweighs the guilt you feel when your concerned colleagues say you should 'take it easy'.

Not having your carry-on baggage weighed

The standard limit is 7kgs and the bag is meant to fit into a tiny aluminum frame. Purposeful or not, a strategic distraction not only saves you close to $100 in excess baggage, it also means you beat the airlines. Considering you are a regular Joe not getting food and your flight is delayed anyway, a win against an international airline is epic.

Being waved through a booze bus

I would never condone drink driving. But even a 20-year-sober person will hyperventilate when they see those spinning blue and red lights. People get pulled up and incarcerated for one drink on television all the time, and it's about to happen to you. Until, the frozen icicle police officer sees some form of honesty in your face and uses their lightsaber to wave you past.

Getting out of a fine

Dear Council,

I presume the ticket machine was broken because I had this strong and enlightening spiritual sense not to use it. I am super poor at the mo though and my electricity bill means I'm already eating beans for dinner. Give me a break this time?

Getting a good grade but not studying

Confidence is the key to success. Strolling in to an exam or test unprepared is a certain way to eliminate all forms of confidence. Until you pass with flying colours. Cue rushing home to complete an 'in comparison to Einstein IQ test'.

Having a meeting cancelled that you are unprepared for

You know it's coming, and you know you everyone is anticipating your presentation. You also knew well enough not to procrastinate this time, but, oh wait -- you did. You figure you can wing it and don't need a Powerpoint presentation. How bad could it be? Until you wake up 15 times the night before and realise how bad it actually is going to be. And then it's cancelled! As the adrenaline wears off you swear you will be prepared for the next one... maybe.

Finding a car park

It's 3 pm on Christmas Eve and you have read status updates about people crawling around multi-level shopping centre car parks for more than three hours. You jump in your car, because you forgot to pick up something for Nan, and you pray for a miracle. You can see the traffic banked up around the block and begin to sweat, until the moment you pull in to the car park, and a car to your left puts on their reverse lights. Victory.

Getting all greens

There are two to drive down a highway. Knowing that no matter what time you leave, you will get every single red light and be late. Or, through some act of God, experiencing the shake of adrenalin like you are about to grab the holy grail and sweat as you sail through green lights at every intersection.

Getting a job you're not qualified for

You elaborated on your resume. You told little white lies in your interviews. You knew you never had a shot anyway. Until you did, and you were hired. Google's main function is there to help you. Giving you the answers on how to actually do your job.

Seeming like a grown up

Whether it's your parents rocking up when you have actually done your annual clean, or somehow still having receipts in your wallet to give the tax man, being an accidental adult is always a win.

I'm not saying big wins shouldn't happen to everyone at some point. If my 15 minutes of fame is getting a car park straight away on Christmas Eve, I'll take it.