19/04/2017 2:01 PM AEST | Updated 19/04/2017 2:01 PM AEST

I Have Come To Learn That School Taught Me Nothing

Knowing how to use a bunsen burner has come in handy... not.


Education is one of the most valuable gifts a person can receive. It opens the mind, expands knowledge and teaches you essential life skills that (if you pay attention) will set you up for a fulfilling life.

But does it really?

I was gifted with a prestigious education. We wore blazers and (sometimes) a school hat at the bus stop. Now, edging closer to my thirties, I still have absolutely no clue how to use Excel, do my taxes, negotiate my salary, apply for a loan or what GST even means.

High school was great, because a lot of the time it was a great waste of time. Here's a few of the essential life skills I really didn't need to know.

Cos sin tan

SOHCAHTOA has really come in handy for all those times I have needed to know the angle of a triangle. It's really helped me out working in communications. Not.

Finding the 'x' on a triangle

As above. I don't care for triangles, especially ones which have an invisible 'x'. I'd rather find the x in a text message from my boyfriend.

Building a boat out of balsa wood

Everybody in Queensland, relax. Go to Bunnings and load up on balsa wood. The flooded aftermath of cyclone Debbie will be no match for your PVA glue craftmanship.

Building a house out of cardboard

I remember cutting my finger and bleeding all over my 'model'. Luckily for me, I now know how to select the perfect cardboard and this knowledge has really been useful when selecting the roof tiles for my new home.

Abstract art

I received a 'B' in abstract art. How dare they. If only they knew how many hours I spent cutting up my mother's coat hangers to make squiggly wires that I stuck on a piece of polystyrene. That 'B' still haunts me to this day.

How to use a digital calculator

I successfully know how to play Pimp Quest and Tetris on a digital calculator. I still do not know how to work out a percentage or even clear the screen. I can't quite determine if a digital calculator is a common tool that I should be carrying around or if the tiny pocket in my handbag is for my T183+.

Using a bunsen burner

Note to self, next time I go to Kmart, I better pick up a new bunsen burner, my current one is looking a little overused.

Treating an egg like a baby

An egg is not a baby. Eggs don't cry or defecate. I would hardly pass this class via the method I used if it was a real baby. I think boiling a child may lead to a lengthy prison sentence.

The periodic table

What do you do with a sick scientist? If you can't Helium and you can't Curium, you might as well Barium.

Lucky I know what Curium is, too bad about lighting my hot water system pilot light.


The whole incestuous thing, the ghost, the murders and the cheating were perfectly reflected in my relationships that followed. Lucky I knew how to end them. Thanks Shakespeare.

Playing the recorder

I often look at the recorder players in bands I go and see and wonder... what if?

'I' before 'E' except after 'C'

I would lead a beige life being a writer (who drinks too much caffeine) if this rule was not reinforced in my mind each time I pick up a pen. How heinous my existence could have been if I did not reinforce this rule.

How to order a hamburger in German

Forget that I can tell the Italians what's in my pencil case. Berlin... I'm coming for you.