11/07/2017 11:07 AM AEST | Updated 11/07/2017 11:07 AM AEST

If Your Dog Could Talk This Is What It Would Say

"Let's be friends furrrever."

lvaloueva via Getty Images

I'm a millennial. If I believed everything I read, I would never be able to buy a house or hold down a stable job. I rent, I spend my money on social engagements and I cross through the 'special' gates at the airport at least once a year. I must be an evil and self-involved person.

Enter my dog. My dog had a lump on her eyelid. It seemed to be bothering her so I put the pedal to the metal and rushed her straight to an emergency vet. After a $210 consultation, they confirmed that it was just a pimple but it may be bothering her. I automatically swiped my card for the $1200 surgery --because I don't want her to feel bothered.

The things I would do for my Labrador (who once ate an entire bag of dry dog food and had to have her stomach pumped) are limitless. She's not the lucky one to have me as an owner, I am extremely fortunate to have a dog.

A dog isn't just 'man's best friend', a dog is actually better than a human friend and if they could talk they would tell you all about it. In fact, if my dog could talk this is what she would say:

"Just because I'm sitting here, doesn't mean I'm not judging you."

Also known as 'I know what you did'. A dog will cuddle up to you when you're hungover just for the heightened chance you will give them some KFC chips. They will be brats and interfere when you bring someone home that you always knew (but ignored) was a bad choice. They appreciate when you chuck a sickie, but really, you're throwing off their routine. A dog's love is unconditional, but they judge you just as much as you judge yourself.

"Your sadness makes me sad."

"I'm a dog, I'm fun, all I want to do is have fun. When you're sad, hormonal or crying, you're really messing with my mojo. So, I'm going to jump all over you and push a ball in to your face until you get over it and take me to the park."

"I know how to make you feel guilty."

My dog knows how to pull the heartbreak eyes whenever I leave the house. She knows exactly what standing at the front window staring at me with her tail dead still does to my emotional stability. She knows how to do a big sigh when I'm ignoring her and she knows to flop her head on to my lap for pity when I get home. She plays the guilt game, and she wins every time.

"If you bore me, I will embarrass you."

It was one of those crisp Melbourne winter days and my girlfriends and I were having a lovely picnic in the park. My dog got bored of 'girl time' and realised pretty quickly that this activity didn't involve exploring or food scraps. She purposely took getting some attention in to her own paws, by strutting in to the middle of a neighbouring football ground and doing number twos, in the middle of the centre square, in the middle of an active game.

"I know what you're saying and I don't care."

Dogs speak English, just not verbally. My dog is fully aware of what I am saying when I call for her 'tricks' to impress people, or when I'm asking her to get off the couch. If she has no interest in what I am saying, she will choose to ignore it.


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"Why do you worry about stupid stuff?"

My dog hates raised voices and she hates moods. Her biggest hate isn't the hours between her eating, it's me coming home stressing about deadlines. 24 hours per day, 365 days per year, she sits at a solid nine on the happy scale. I could really take a leaf out of her book, then again, she's hardly got a full-time job has she?

"I can't be bothered being a dog today."

My backyard is home to a city of possums. Sometimes, particularly if I have visits, my dog decides to put on being a dog and barks at them. I've also seen her lying on the ground while a mother possum, its baby and a suite of five other possums walked over her back.

"What are you really going to do if I'm naughty?"

I must confess that I'm a law breaker. I don't walk my dog on a lead. Karma punched me in the face when I went for my routine morning run and my dog disappeared. I ran around screaming for 15 minutes with tears streaming down my face. Until I noticed a commotion: Numerous council workers were taking photos of my dog sitting in the front seat of one of their work utes, she'd jumped in off a bench and was now happily eating the car's air freshener.

"I miss you all day."

Dogs really do sit around all day and wait for you to get home. Yes, they may wee on the couch, once my dog even chewed through the solid-oak back door, but they know what time of the day it is, and they know when you're coming home.