Why I Should Rule The World

Let them eat cake, because in my world it's healthy.

It occurred to me today that there is no one governing body for the universe. I know there's Trump (he's hardly a role model, now is he?) and Kim Jong-un (who tends to blow up his own people, while trying to kill other countries' people) and there is also that Malcolm dude who... okay, I don't really know what he does.

The morale of my mental debate is that there doesn't seem to be someone telling these people what to do, which in my institutionalised office hierarchy of a mind seems backwards.

As far as I'm concerned, there should be a president (or Empress if you will) of the world, and I am the perfect candidate for this position. This is what I would do.


It is well documented that the number of hours that we all work, to still all be broke and have no social lives, sucks. I plan to implement a system that if you work well, you will be reimbursed with more days off and 'you time'.

Did I just hear a tick next to my name on your ballot paper?

Animal rights.

As Empress of the world, I also have god-like powers, and dogs will live forever. Okay I'm not a white witch, I just have the money to pay smart science people to invent amazing, life-prolonging serums for dogs. There will also be dog universities, dog movie theatres and even dog tennis tournaments (and none of them will throw a racket).

World peace.

Gone would be the days of old music, body odour, traffic and spam emails from my friends in Nigeria getting my hopes up about inheriting a diamond mine. Predictive text will always be accurate (dear iPhone, no one has ever written the word ducking) and there will be enough room on planes for the person in front to recline, without having their hair in your nose.


There will be no broken hearts (see, super-amazing scientists with super-amazing inventions), no unfairness and all of the 'baddies' will be identified from birth and banished to an island with no palm trees or coconuts.

Food accessibility.

Healthy food will be equally accessible and delicious, as it will be mandatory to make it taste just as good as a Big Mac does at 2am in a taxi.


Sorry guys, this one is staying and will be mandatory worldwide. However, there will be no exams (not all people perform well in pressure tests) and if you want to study how to become a professional rock star instead of maths, fine.

My teachers told me that I needed to do maths because when I was a grown up, I wouldn't be able to have a calculator in my pocket every day. Who's laughing now, guys?

Climate change.

In my future world, it will be a balmy 29 degrees every day. Jeans and light-shirt weather at night if you will. I am still fine-tuning the final details of this campaign promise.

If you want to be rewarded for being funny, be forced to holiday internationally bi-annually and to only ever sleep on Egyptian-cotton sheets, vote for me.

Your best interests are my best interests; so help me help you.