Do you spend eight hours of your working day actually working?
Do you clean your house to routine perfection?
Do you attend all social catch-ups?
If so, stop immediately.
You're doing it wrong and I can help you. I am a self-proclaimed master of procrastination.
Do you want to only work two hours per day instead of the standard eight?
Do you want to believe in the magical fairies that come in the night and sort your sock drawer?
Do you want to socialise without actually having to see someone?
Then read on friends, this is how you do it.
Do you have a major report, presentation, or looming due date? Clean out your desk drawer.
Why reply to that email when you can prick your fingers on loose staples that don't actually fit in the stapler that you don't even own?
You may even be fortunate enough to find the business cards of the three people who preceded you in your current role.
Stalk their LinkedIn. Peruse their Instagram and Facebook images from their 2007 holiday to Spain. It's imperative that you know the career path that your employment position will pave for you.
Is there nothing really urgent due at work, but you still have a to-do list? Go online shopping.
And by shopping, I mean feeling envious when colleagues receive deliveries at work, and consequently spending the next four hours filling up your cart and trawling various sites for better bargains, then exiting the browsers when the bell rings for home time. You won't spend a penny, I swear.
Has your next working quarter been projected and you don't know how you are going to manage the workload? Book a holiday.
Because YOLO, that's what annual leave is for. You've earned it.
Can you not remember what colour the floor of your house was originally? Practise experimental baking.
Check your empty pantry then ponder what would happen if you put flour, avocado and vodka in a pan and cooked it for an hour. How delicious.
If Jamie can do it, so can you.
*Note -- leave dishes for another time.
Have you decided you are far too superior to complete the task at hand? Download music.
Yes, you do need the entire "top 100 motivational songs of all time" and yes, you must download them one by one. Don't forget to rehearse and master all the lyrics.
Haven't finished (or started) your assignment?
Stare blankly at Microsoft Word for 25 minutes. Reward yourself with a snack.
Stare blankly at Microsoft Word for 25 minutes. Call your best friend to see if they have started and ask what they are snacking on.
Stare blankly at Microsoft Word for 25 minutes. Your dog looks sad, take them for a walk.
Stare blankly at Microsoft Word for 25 minutes. The news is on, it's more important to be worldly than research anyway.
Stare blankly at Microsoft Word for 25 minutes. Remember that you were meant to clean out your wardrobe last July. Do that.
Stare blankly at Microsoft Word for 25 minutes. Conduct a Google search on people who will do your assignment for you.
Stare blankly at Microsoft Word for 25 minutes. Create budget for above.
Stare blankly at Microsoft Word for 25 minutes. Decide that you want to work in a bar in Budapest anyway. Practice making (and consuming) beer cocktails.
Go to sleep.
Can't be bothered being social? That is what social media is for.
You're not feeling social anyway so you will need to start slow. See what your cousin that you haven't seen in six years is up to. Notice they have a new girlfriend, see what she is up to. Notice she had a snitchy comment from a friend on her wall in 2011. Click on that friend's profile in search of more snitchy comments. Realise you have mutual friends, attempt to determine why. Check your watch, it has now been four hours, you have missed dinner anyway.
Are you wearing your underwear inside out or not at all?
Just buy new ones.