IN THE CORONER'S COURT
of the A.C.T.
Inquest into the death of: THE PRIME MINISTERSHIP OF ANTHONY ABBOTT
Delivered on: 15 September 2015
I, BELLE TOLLS, Coroner, having investigated this case, find that the identity of the deceased was TONY ABBOTT'S PRIME MINISTERSHIP.
Born on 18 September 2013
And the death occurred on 14 September 2015
At Parliament House, Parliament Dr, Canberra 2600
1(a) A SINGLE STAB WOUND TO THE CHEST
BACKGROUND AND CIRCUMSTANCES
It is the finding of this Court that on the preponderance of the evidence, one MALCOLM BLIGH TURNBULL did cause the death of said Prime Ministership, the weapon being a sharpened leadership challenge.
Upon examination, the deceased was found to have been carrying a number of pre-existing wounds that would have, in the opinion of this Court, eventually proven fatal. These include a deep laceration to the right hand due to a mishap that occurred in the knighting of one PRINCE PHILLIP, and a severe wound to the head caused by the blade of a helicopter carrying one BRONWYN BISHOP. The body also had several small but deep cuts from an instrument called a 'Captain's Pick'. These appear to be self-inflicted.
The Court heard from several witnesses that some responsibility for the death rests with the AUSTRALIAN BROADCASTING CORPORATION and FAIRFAX MEDIA. While the ABC and the deceased had apparently argued over money, and both the ABC and Fairfax had had scuffles with the deceased that had caused minor abrasions, these did not contribute significantly to the death. Indeed it seems that the main motive behind these scuffles was the ABC's and Fairfax's repeated discussion of the aforementioned self-inflicted wounds.
The deceased showed signs of cognitive deterioration that may be attributed to such physical damage, as evidenced on 9 September 2015 during an interview with one LEIGH SALES. During this interview he was unable to give a response other than "we stopped the boats", despite there being no questions of a nautical nature asked.
As a result, it is this Court's recommendation that no charges be laid against MALCOLM BLIGH TURNBULL at this time. Mr Turnbull's actions, despite being self-interested, can also be seen as a 'mercy killing'. This Court does, however, recommend close monitoring of JOE HOCKEY'S CAREER as it may become a related fatality.
Signature: Belle Tolls
BELINDA TOLLS, CORONER
15 September 2015