"STOP YELLING screamed the parent."
"Homework is basically which parent is better at Google."
"Watching my gigantic cat shove open the door with the energy of a cowboy walking into a saloon"
"(My kid giving me attitude). Me: 'I pooped on you when you were born.'"
"[to the bartender] whatever they put in lava lamps please."
"Every morning my cat wakes up and screams until somebody sits in the living room with him."
"My favourite thing to do is to hold my dog while I look on my phone at photos I have taken of my dog."
"The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops."
"Took a walk by myself. Straight up cheated on my dog."
"2020 was a kinda bad year for me but a really good year for my dog who did not have to be alone for a single second."