"The only difficult part about wearing a mask when I'm out is that dogs on the street don’t know I'm smiling at them."
"'I emailed the teacher but haven't heard back' is the new 'my dog ate my homework.'"
"Homework is basically which parent is better at Google."
"Watching my gigantic cat shove open the door with the energy of a cowboy walking into a saloon"
"(My kid giving me attitude). Me: 'I pooped on you when you were born.'"
"[to the bartender] whatever they put in lava lamps please."
"Establish dominance by replying to your kid’s 'Knock knock' joke with 'Door’s open.'"
"Every morning my cat wakes up and screams until somebody sits in the living room with him."
"My favourite thing to do is to hold my dog while I look on my phone at photos I have taken of my dog."
"I think I'm independent until I have to text my wife because I forget what size jeans I wear."