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Funny Tweets
"Stay woke. ― Kids at bedtime."
"No one is as obnoxiously well-behaved as a child whose sibling is getting yelled at."
"More like detachment parenting am I right?!?"
"People who say 'enjoy every moment' have never sat next to my kids eating chips."
"I just think if I chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad."
"It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child."
"Writers be like 'this character will be...a writer.'"
"In our marriage we keep the magic alive by plucking each other’s rogue ear and chin hairs."
"My son calls Toys R Us 'Toys Or Else.'"
"Shoutout to everybody who already burped into their own face via mask."