Sorry I haven't checked in for a while. I've been pretty busy working and writing. I'm about to start uni again so I've been a bit stressed. That's no excuse though. I should be checking in with you every day.
Body, I don't know if you know, but it's National Eating Disorder Awareness Week this week. It's a pretty significant week for us, considering our history. There are bad memories we're still working through. Those memories will be with us forever, no doubt.
I know it's a touchy subject to address and we don't like raising it, but I need to tell you this...
I'm sorry for all the years that I punished you. I'm sorry that, five years ago, I looked in the mirror and wanted to change you. You hadn't even finished developing yet. I didn't give you the chance to grow and flourish on your own. I intervened. In the worst possible way.
We used to have such a great relationship. Growing up in an ethnic family, I fed you beautiful, wholesome food. You helped me play team sport. You protected me from injury. You propelled me forward when I was racing in the Sports Carnival. I used to be a sprinter, remember?
I used to be a sprinter, remember?
Then, when highschool started, our relationship changed. I got abusive. I was angry at you. I didn't appreciate you anymore. I felt like you were holding me back. You must have been so confused. I started comparing myself to the people around me. I didn't want you anymore, like a child neglects their favourite toy for something new and shiny.
I started hurting you and picking you apart. Nothing was good enough. I tried to hide my developing breasts with uncomfortable minimisers. I tried to hide my tummy and thighs under over-sized clothes. I was ashamed of you, and I was wrong.
When my brain got sick I did the most damage. I blamed you for my failures. I starved you of nutrients. I depleted your bones. I damaged your heart. I spoiled your liver. I bruised you all over. I pushed you to breaking point.
You tried so hard to keep me alive. You fought damn hard. Maybe you had faith in me when nobody else did. You weren't going to give up, even though I had. Thank you for not giving up.
We were both exhausted. Mum and Dad intervened, but it took me another five years to get help and make a lasting change.
I am making a committment to you, right now, that I will never put us through that again. When I feel unstable I will reach out for help. When I'm struggling or feeling self-conscious I will tell someone instead of allowing it to fester inside.
You deserve all the love in the world. You carry me from one place to another. You allow me to operate every day. You allow me to hug the people I love. You assist me when I lift heavy things. And, one day, you will allow me to carry a child. That's pretty awesome. You're strong and you're capable because there's more of you now.
I promise you that I will try my best, from this day forward, to treat you with the love, attention and respect you deserve. I will feed you when you're hungry and I won't judge the foods you crave. I will rest you when you're tired. I will drink when you're thirsty. I will exercise you to be strong but never to lose weight.
Thank you, beautiful body, for everything you do for me. Some days we may disagree and argue but I'll never, ever hurt you again.
This post first appeared on February 26, 2016.