24/08/2015 7:29 AM AEST | Updated 15/07/2016 12:50 PM AEST

Tone Down That Awful Noise!

Fairfax and Getty

EXCUSE ME FOR SHOUTING, IT'S JUST THAT I'VE MOVED TO GERMANY AND I CAN'T HEAR A THING OVER THESE DAMNED WIND TURBINES. CURRENTLY BLOGGING TO YOU FROM THE HIGH SPEED TRAIN BETWEEN BERLIN AND HAMBURG AND... Oh wait... just realised that noise could be the 'E' or the 'M' in E=MC2, which is something to do with mass, the speed of light squared, energy... or in this case a really loud whooshing sound.

No! I refuse to believe that whooshing is the sound of this inter-city train whizzing along at 300 kilometres per hour. It's definitely those 'visually awful' turbines. AND THERE'S SO MANY OF THEM, ALL WITH THE WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH! THAT'S WHY I'M YELLING, SO YOU CAN HEAR ME OVER THE TERRIBLE DIN THEY'RE MAKING.

Yep, Tony Abbott was right, (huh, there's a sentence I've never seen). His description of wind farms being 'visually awful' is an understatement. And I don't care if these turbines create enough energy to run this fancy-pants 300 kilometre per hour inter-city train, our good-old-Aussie overhead power-lines look like the Cindy Crawford of energy supply compared to these grotesque monoliths -- which we know are nothing more than a pimped-up windmill. "Yah, velcome to Pimp My Vindmill, vhere vee take zee ordinary vindmill, give it some sick torque and pump out zee pimped-up cray-cray green energy. E equals MC not so square, yah!"

But I digress...

Sadly, Germany's now visually awful landscape is the fault of the German Parliament. Way back in 2000, in a bipartisan decision, it was agreed that Global Warming is happening. End of argument, they said. Apparently you'd be laughed out of parliament if you suggested otherwise. That's got to be the funniest thing you've ever heard, right? Even more hilarious, then they got on with the job, setting emission-reduction targets, devising a green-energy plan, the usual hair-brained craziness. Then they actually started to meet those targets.

It's the German politicians I feel sorry for. Those poor people must be bored out of their brains... what on earth do they do with their time, what with people getting on with stuff? Personally, I like to see parliamentarians working hard for my tax-paying dollars; using their time bickering, calling each other names, lying, zipping around in helicopters. That, my friends, is democracy in action.

This German parliamentarian 'let's get on with it' attitude, well they actually expect a pay cheque for that! Even sadder, the German people are happy with their democratic process, going along with this whole hippy, greenie, pinko, leftie movement, nary a placard of disapproval in sight.

So there I was, in the cafeteria-car, staring out at the masses of turbines when I politely asked a German guy, "How do you feel about these wind-farms?" He seemed puzzled by my question. Poor guy, so young and already deafened by these hazardous health machines. "I SAID, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THESE 'VISUALLY AWFUL' WIND-FARMS?"

Obviously an adept lip reader, he answered that we have to start somewhere and that green energy is good for humanity. HA! I had him! "OUR PRIME MINISTER SAYS COAL IS GOOD FOR HUMANITY." Then... he actually laughed... in my face! He said "Something German, more German, more German... Dummkopf!" Yeah, I know. Firstly, learn to speak English you big Saxon dumb-dumb and go back to where you came from!

Next time, I'll be taking the chopper!


Tania Lacy was a well-known fixture on Australian television throughout the late '80s and '90s. She has been the recipient of several awards for her film work and her first novel will hit the shelves in March 2016. Visit her website here.