We're back, and we're promised one of the most dramatic episodes of the season. It all begins with Florence scoring the first solo date. "You'll need some Dutch courage," the date card reads. Because she's Dutch. They gave her Scotch.
In what's described as a "unique view" of Sydney, Florence is lured out to a rooftop in Homebush overlooking a train track and a construction site. She and Matty are going to jump off the side of a building, like in the ending of 'Thelma and Louise' but there's no car and it's in Homebush. But wait! There's still more fun to be had! They then show up to a random backyard where a woman with a metal bucket tells them they're going to make a plaster of their hands. Because sure, why not?!
Back at the Bach pad, the bachelorettes are surprised by the fact that there won't be a group date this week, but a 'Hunger Games' style showdown between two women. Long-time rivals Liz and Jennifer are picked to go on a "two girls enter, but only one shall leave" style date.
It's honestly the worst "date" ever. Liz, Matty and Jennifer sit in a shed with terrible down-lighting as Matty quizzes each woman about the other. "What's Liz's best quality?" he asked Jennifer. Meanwhile, Liz, who had been about as enthused about the entire show as one gets about root canal looked completely bored the whole time. This was the big showdown, this was the Liz vs Jennifer moment we had all waited for!
Jennifer also talked about how she loves to "toot her own horn". "Yeah, you're pretty good at that Jen," Liz said laughing for the first time since the show began.
"I think Liz's best quality is her ability to multitask, like how she's making eye contact with me right now, but also ordering an Uber home at the same time," Jennifer probably said.
Surprisingly Matty chose Liz to go home. Liz responded with a shocked "I was still on the show?!" face, then got in a car and went home.
Due to the completely lacklustre showdown, the rose ceremony had to pack a bit of a punch, and boy did it! We already discussed what happened in great detail, so make sure to go read that. Essentially Sian was upset, broke down, decided she was leaving the show, and then decided she was staying on the show. It was dramatic, messy, and really highlighted just how electric blue Matty's suit was (too blue!!!).
So Matty stopped the rose ceremony and there was an incredible dramatic fade to black. "To be continued" was scrawled across the screen. Don't think about it for too long, considering the show is one big continued serial and splitting it across two episodes makes absolutely no sense, but it was apparently VERY DRAMATIC.
The next episode picked up exactly where we left off. The useless cliffhanger immediately resolves itself with Matty picking Sian out of the lineup of bachelorettes, and telling her that the doubt she was feeling toward "the process" meant he didn't see a future with her.
"I'm sad because I haven't really had the opportunity to express myself," Sian said, after having half of the previous episode dedicated to her expressing herself.
"It's pretty scary, things keep happening out of the blue... you don't know what he's going to do next." Simone said, as if she was a character in 'Wolf Creek'.
Matty re-entered the rose ceremony and, after the producers told him to say a few words to the ladies, told them that he's not some puppet that's just doing what he's told.
Much like Sian's breakdown in the previous episode, Matty's spiel took another chip away at the veneer of the show. The women looked confused and stressed as Matty rambled on about how the show was constructed around his choices. He was calling the shots, he reiterated to the bachelorettes.
Almost immediately the music switched back to the chirpy date card music, and Tara nabbed the solo date. Matty rocked up on a tandem bike. "IS THAT A DOUBLE BIKE?" Tara said. Tara was apparently not entirely confident about getting on a bike (the metaphor about Matty being the town bicycle is not lost here), and she squealed with delight sitting on it. "These things move!" she screamed about pedals.
After Tara screamed her way through a bike ride, she screamed into a kitchen. "ARE WE COOKING?" she screamed into a saucepan. "WE'RE COOKING PASTA!" she squealed at a bowl of eggs. "DO I GET A CHEF'S OUTFIT?" Tara shouted at an apron. Then she spent the rest of the date talking about how great Matty's arse is. She was a little kneady, to say the least. Get it? Because they were kneading pasta dough.
It was that time of the evening for the 'f' word, family. We got to hear for the 9,000th time how badly Matty wants a family, having a family, family family family family. Tara finally began opening up to Matty, which he really appreciated and then to shut her up he gave her a huge pash.
The group date was skydiving, which sent Simone into a tailspin. As the car drove up to the skydiving site, she began crying. "What if the parachute doesn't open?" There's nothing more romantic than a date that pushes someone to confront their fears as they openly weep the entire time.
Thankfully Simone jumped out of the plane, proving to Matty just how much she wanted some alone time with him, a camera crew and a cheese plate they're contractually forbidden to touch.
At the cocktail party Natalie reminded us all that she was still there! God bless her. She lamented that she hadn't had any alone time with Matty, then made some guttural noises. Elise set up a pun-themed fishing game (because she's a great catch!!!) which totally blew Florence's Dutch lesson out of the water (fishing puns!!!).
Getting to know Elise was 100 percent the best part of the episode, her entire stunt was incredibly classy, well thought out, and definitely deserved more airtime.
Instead of focussing on Matty building relationships with the bachelorettes we went back to focussing on the drama between the women. Jennifer, who is fast becoming one of the best cast villains of the show's history (in the best way possible), managed to make the most of the bickering about "who was next to chat to Matty" and walked past the whole conversation to steal him for some one-on-one time. "Pretty sure I just pissed off half the party," Jennifer said, accurately summing up every cocktail party she's attended so far.
At the end of a much less thrilling rose ceremony than the night before it was sadly Natalie who didn't receive a rose. Like a fart at a cocktail party, she was gone too soon.Suggest a correction