Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Marriage is mostly just sending each other memes while your kids destroy the house around you.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 6, 2017
Me: Good morning, I love yo-
Son: Can we go to Chuck E. Cheese today?
Me: ...Okay, time for bed
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) August 9, 2017
No one told me that 70% of parenting would be watching the same YouTube video over and over
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 10, 2017
My husband just told my kids to "go see what mama is doing" so we aren't on speaking terms right now.
— And What a Mom! (@andwhatamom) August 7, 2017
Taking your kids to a restaurant is a great way to remember why you stopped taking your kids to restaurants.
— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) August 7, 2017
I just found out school starts a day sooner than I thought so this must be what walking on sunshine feels like.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) August 10, 2017
Let's just say I'm glad that a recorder doesn't actually record the words I use when I hear one unexpectedly being played in my house.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 9, 2017
My prospects for being cared for in old age are pretty grim, if the effort my kids make putting sunscreen on my back is any indicator.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) August 8, 2017
Sometimes I screw up my own kid's name but I can name at least 5 dogs from Paw Patrol.
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) August 9, 2017
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying drinks by the pool we can keep yelling at a toddler to stop drinking the pool water.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 6, 2017
How my son walks into my room at 5am... pic.twitter.com/vpGZrbvz1h
— devon sawa (@DevonESawa) August 8, 2017
I see you're finally sitting down for the first time since dawn, time for an impromptu, 20-minute, out-of-tune harmonica concert.
- kids
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) August 10, 2017
This morning I started the coffee pot and forgot to add water. In case you're wondering how exhausting motherhood is.
My cup ranneth empty.
— MumMumMommy 🤦🏻♀️ (@tinyandtired) August 8, 2017
Kid's 1st day Kindergarten -
parent cries, so bittersweet
Kid's 1st day of Third Grade -
parent cries tears of joy because omg finally
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) August 10, 2017
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 10, 2017
Non-parent: "There's no way anyone could be busier or more tired than I am right now."
Me: "Hold my child."
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) August 4, 2017
House hunting as a parent means you say things like, We can't buy a house with a loft because our kids might throw each other over the side.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) August 8, 2017
Sorry kid's birthday party activities on Pinterest, I'm planning to give them too much sugar and let the kids run wild.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) August 9, 2017
Refereeing between "He called me a buttface" & "He farted and pushed the stink toward me" so don't tell me motherhood isn't glamorous.
— Karen Johnson (@21stcenturysahm) August 7, 2017
Nothing tests your love for your child as not dropping them as they surprisingly sneeze huge snot balls in your face... with your mouth open
— Jacques Nyemb (@jnyemb) August 6, 2017
No GOT spoilers, I have 2 small kids and can only watch after they go to bed and it's going to take us like a year to catch up at this rate.
— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) August 9, 2017
Reading a Paw Patrol story to my daughter about crown jewels at "Barkingberg". They should've used Barkingham Palace. Fuckin' amateurs.
— Lady E (@LadyEdotMe) August 10, 2017