It's the television event we've all been waiting for: Sophie Monk is finally 'The Bachelorette'.
Here's everything you missed from the first episode:
Sophie introduced herself (down to earth, terrible flirt, massive bogan) and we saw a bit of her family who all seem really normal and lovely.
In the first five minutes she kinda teared up twice. Oh this is gonna be EMOTIONAL. Sophie prepared for the arrival of the bachelors by moving her ring eight times and kissing it (steady on,) and that's when things really kicked off.
First out of the limo, in a literal explosion of excitement, was Apollo the magician. He made a rose appear out of a tissue, "Could you take something else and turn it into jewellery?" Soph asked. She also said prior to meeting Apollo she thought magicians were "nerdburgers".
Next up was Jarrod who manages his family's vineyard. He didn't walk up to Sophie with a bottle asking her to "accept this rosé," but instead opted for bringing a tray of grapes for her to stomp on. "That's my hobby and my passion," Sophie said, "drinking it... not making it." Probably the first time the offer to stomp on someone's grapes went well.
Following him was Eden, a scaffolder from Perth who showed up in a bright orange Adidas tracksuit with a boom box and he proceeded to breakdance. It was a lot.
James was next, who showed up and was like an adorable little nugget ensconced in velvet. He was incredibly nervous and gave Sophie a necklace promising to give her luck and love. James was so cute he transformed our tiny little coal-shaped hearts into gigantic glowing orbs of love.
Out of the limo next were three children. It turned out they were the nephews of the next bachelor, Sam. Get it? Uncle Sam? He had a man bun which was unfortunately a bit of a problem for Sophie.
Jourdan followed Uncle Sam who described himself as weird, just so weird. Before Sophie could ask him anything he popped a blindfold on her and said they were going to play hide and seek, then he kissed her on the cheek and walked into the house. While he hides I guess he can check Seek for another job because so far he's not doing great on the bachelor front.
Next up was Luke, who is probably a favourite to get to the end only because he's shirtless in a lot of his Instagram photos.
Then we had our first montage including Chad, Brett, Harry, Jefferson, Jamie, Pete, Hayden (who dabbed) and Bingham (like the cup).
Next up was Mackenzie, who decided to perform a song for her. Bit of trivia here, but in a chat with Jules Sebastian, Sophie said one of her worst dates included a dude singing to her!! Uh oh.
There was a sharp change in the music and we met Blake next, who is an "entrepreneur" (which usually means model) and promised that the show had never seen someone like him before, which is TV code for "you've definitely seen my character 100 times". He showed up with Ugg boots, a furry jacket and a bottle of wine. Blake, if you're reading this let us know if you need our mailing address.
As the show cut between Uncle Sam saying "I thought there'd be a douche..." and a limo arriving, lucky last Ryan showed up. Ryan got the same backing music every 90s TV villain would also get. Ryan grilled Sophie like she was a delicious steak.
Osher showed up to explain this season's special rose to the boys, the "double delight" rose which sounds completely filthy but just meant you get double the single dates.
Sophie was about to make her welcome speech, which is always a lovely way to set the tone of the season but as soon as she was about to start Ryan had grabbed her arm, with more questions to grill her with like some kind of tuxedoed immigration officer.
After Ryan had another awkward chat with Sophie she then got stuck with a bunch of dudes awkwardly sitting around, Sophie repeatedly blinking "SOS, SOS" but to no avail.
Sophie took control of the cocktail party suggesting they play a game of "never have I ever", a drinking game where someone says something and if you've done it, you drink. As the game continued, Sophie said "never have I ever been cheated on" and Jourdan, who had developed a limp started crying. In front of everyone. He revealed he had been accused of cheating but he hadn't.
"So who cheated?" Sophie said.
"No one cheated!"
All of a sudden, a possum fell into the pool and an entire party of grown men screamed at it. Also they thought it was an otter. There are thirteen species of otters worldwide but according to Australia Zoo, Antarctica and Australia don't have any native species. Just sayin.
For some reason the two manbuns, Harry and Uncle Sam, decided to do a walk-off against Hayden and Blake. If you love cringe-worthy TV you'd be in heaven. As a finishing move, Hayden threw his undies in Sophie's face.
"It's a nice way to leave my mark on her," he said. Because nothing leaves an impression like a skidmark, hey Hayden?
Uncle Sam was the unfortunate walk-off loser and had to do an undie run around the pool, which he then flopped into.
How is this only the first episode, we're exhausted?
Luckily it was time for Sophie to grab the double delight rose to give it to the lucky man. Interestingly enough it went to the man, the legend, the uncle, Sam. Sophie was really impressed with his undies dash, and how it lightened the mood.
Then it was FINALLY time for the first rose ceremony of the evening where two bachelors weren't going to receive a rose.
When Sophie asked Hayden if he'd receive the final rose of the night, he responded "DAB-solutely" while dabbing. If it were us, we would have taken the rose back.
Unfortunately Jamie and Chad didn't receive roses OR screen time.
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