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If People Were Items Of Stationery, This Is What They Would Be

Rulers are obsessed with measurable outcomes, while Pencils need to sharpen up.

20/08/2017 5:57 AM AEST | Updated 20/08/2017 5:57 AM AEST
matt_benoit
The Erasers always rub the Pencils up the wrong way.

An email popped in to my inbox the other day at work asking after our stationery requirements for the following month. As I pawed through my supplies my imagination got excited... What if people were items of stationery? What would they be like? What sport would they would play? Where would they work?

If people were items of stationery, this is what they would be...

The Ruler:

The ruler is a straight-edge type, obviously. They like rules and are unlikely to be found head banging in town at 4am. The rulers are extremely hard workers, yet lack a little creativity. They often outwork their counterparts and are obsessed with measurable outcomes.

Sport: If it can't be quantified it doesn't count, a ruler would most likely compete in swimming, athletics or chess.

Occupation: Accountant or mathematician.

Favourite Environment: Surrounded by intellectuals with a glass of scotch on the rocks. May or may not be cradling a cigar and nodding slightly.

Example: Sheldon from 'The Big Bang Theory'.

The Highlighter:

Wow. You'll know a highlighter when they're around. They are loud, in your face and impossible to miss. These people will walk in to a room, throw their arms in the air like, "Wassup in the house!" They are the motivators in team situations. Expect a plethora of ideas with no idea how to implement them. Be wary, too many highlighters together can be overwhelming. You'll have no idea where to focus.

Sport: Artistic gymnastics or competitive dancing, something with a bit of flare where they can embrace their love of showmanship.

Occupation: Zumba instructor, dolphin trainer, activist or street performer.

Favourite environment: Carving shapes on the dancefloor in a club with strobe lights, smoke machines and a live DJ -- would enjoy spontaneous dance battles.

Example: Ty Pennington.

The Pencil:

They go with the crowd, a pencil person will change their shade to fit whatever situation they are in. These people tend to be a bit flaky, the ones who click attend on a Facebook event but never materialise. A pencil is unlikely to take a hard stance on topics. They are the drifters and uniquely talented, often quietly artistic.

Sport: Laser tag, dodgeball (because they're good at dodging questions).

Occupation: Mediator or hairdresser.

Favourite environment: They fit most places, but are most comfortable around other pencils. When pencils get together they can become very persuasive.

Example: Butters from 'South Park'.

The Pen:

A pen is opinionated. These folk enjoy a debate and don't back down quietly.

Sport: Debating, darts or basketball.

Occupation: Lawyer, politician or lecturer.

Favourite environment: Working through the world's problems over scalding coffee.

Example: Paul Henry.

The Sharpener:

The sharpener is a hard-ass. They tend to be respected, if not a little feared. Just like the ruler, they work hard but are less vocal. The sharpener type does not get along with the pencil, their flaky personalities don't gel.

Sport: Shooting, UFC or surfing.

Occupation: High-performance strength and conditioning coach, stunt person or daredevil.

Favourite environment: Somewhere extreme, the top of a 10ft wave or perched on the edge of a cliff. The sharpener thrives in abnormal surroundings.

The Stapler:

The stapler is level headed and often turned to for advice. They bring people together but don't beat around the bush. When push comes to shove, the stapler type will dish out the hard words, but they are respected for their transparency and often bind groups together.

Sport: Boxing or rowing.

Occupation: Coach or management.

Favourite environment: The stapler enjoys social get togethers but tends to position themselves on the fringe. They're the cool cats in the corner of the staff do. The male stapler is often preyed on by cougars, they have an intoxicating appeal.

Example: Angelina Jolie.

The Sticky-note:

This guy is probably on stage right now cracking witty one-liners. A peoples person, the sticky-notes attract crowds wherever they go. They're a lot more chilled out than the highlighter and tend to be covertly intellectual.

Sport: Pretty much every non-contact team sport or waterboy.

Occupation:Comedian or MC.

Favourite environment:Anywhere with people, I mean anywhere. The sticky-note could be in prison and have people rolling on the floor laughing.

Example: Jennifer Lawrence.

The Notebook:

Welcome, the creatives... The notebooks are a bottomless source of creativity. They're the ones staring out the windows during school and making figurines out of the blue-tac, poor blue-tac. Notebooks aren't the attention creatives, you'd find them tucked in a corner swaying to eclectic tunes and sketching. The notebook often bats a bit of sarcasm around.

Sport: Robot combat.

Occupation: Product designer or Buzzfeed contributor.

Favourite environment: Picturesque and isolated -- the notebook is selective with the company they keep.

Example: Banksy.

And I won't get started on The Eraser...

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